Ball of Yarn Mind

Have you seen those cartoons that depict a chaotic mind with squiggly lines? Almost like a ball of yarn has completely unravelled and knotted itself inside your mind, and no matter how much you detangle it, there is no clearing the mess that has been made. I often live like this, with a ball of yarn that I can never tidy. I always thought I was stupid, and aloof, just a 'dumb blonde' as friends and colleagues often referred to me as. I knew I was smart but forgetful, and forgetfulness is the seed of stupidity. Throughout my whole life I was always aware that something wasn't quite right with me, but I never thought something was wrong with me and there's a big difference between not quite right, and wrong. Managing that ball of yarn has never been an easy task but sometimes I would forget about it. Whether I was dancing, or playing piano, painting or singing, sometimes that ball of yarn rolled itself up into a more manageable size, and tucked itself into a corner of my mind.

I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety in my early 20s, this diagnosis felt like a breath of fresh air and a slap on the face at the same time. Whilst I was finally getting help for something that had inhibited me my whole life, I felt ashamed about my diagnosis. The stigma that surrounds ADHD is that of unruly children who misbehave, don't listen, can't concentrate, and are difficult to control. Whilst all of this can be true there's the quiet, unspoken side of ADHD; The hyper-attention, the desire to learn about topics that stimulate the brain, the over-achiever. People are shocked to hear that the girl who aces all of her classes, who spends hours on crafts and literature, who is so dedicated to an instrument that she's made a career out of it, struggles with debilitating ADHD and anxiety. Finding rest with ADHD is next to impossible, even when sitting still my mind is racing with thoughts that just don't go away. Sleep is a dream and wish because I can never get my mind to shut up enough to let itself rest. This ball of yarn that is ADHD overcomes my life and when I am overcome, it completely explodes, and suddenly this inward mess becomes an outward mess. The yarn is no longer in my head, it's in my whole life. The worst part of ADHD is forgetfulness. There's medication and appointments, psychologist sessions and many other things to help overcome this struggle - which would all be very beneficial if I remembered any of it. ADHD medication is a beautiful thing, if you can remember to take it 4 times a day, at the correct time of day. Take it too late and you won't sleep at all for the evening because you're too stimulated.

The only breath of fresh air I have had since my diagnosis is crocheting. Not a craft I ever had any interest in or thought too much about. I feel there is beauty in life wherever you look and art is such an emotive way of showing it. I've always played piano, purely for joy in my younger years but now as a career it's more work than an escape. Full time work and full time study are two things that don't usually go together, so in a time where rest is what I needed most to help find a solution to unraveling this ball of yarn in my head for good, it seemed as though this was the last thing that would be possible. Drawing and painting were suddenly taking me away from study, I couldn't learn pieces on the piano that I wanted, pieces that bring me joy, that give me rest, for I had pieces that I had to learn for work and uni. All my hobbies got put on the back burner and life simply became work and study and sleep sometimes. This was until I visited my mother for the first time since her release from rehab. This relationship was exasperating and non-existent prior to her admittance to rehab. To be honest, it was much the same after. After years of hate and distain toward my mother, my heart finally broke for her, and for me. Here I was, resenting her, for everything she had done, despite her trying to turn her life around. She had been reaching for me for years and I was always taking another step away from her, completing disregarding her attempts to reignite a relationship. Seeing her exit rehab and try to fix her wrongs made me feel guilty for not trying to come together with her to rebuild our love. Spending time with this woman was difficult, to say the least, but our first coffee together in over 10 years, she pulled out some crotchet hooks and yarn and started to teach me crotchet. Crotchet for her is an escape from the substance abuse she craved before rehab, something to keep her mind focused on other than the toxic substances she put into her body. We sat at that cafe for hours, crocheting together. We lost track of time and I went away feeling happy, and a bit of love for my mum. I never thought that I would enjoy her presence, that I would leave an interaction with her, and want to see her again.

It's been a few months since that first encounter with crotchet. I see my mother every second week and we crotchet together, talk about life, discuss different patterns and stitches, we seem to forget about all the sour years when we have a hook in our hands. I never thought to ravel this figurative ball of yarn in my mind, with a literal ball of yarn. When my thoughts become too much, when I cannot focus or concentrate, I simply start to think about crotchet. I imagine the hook grabbing the yarn and working in and out of the stitches to create a row, I picture the yarn in a tight ball, and everything slowly coming out of it, tidily, as it should, and suddenly my thoughts aren't racing anymore, suddenly everything is clear. Many sleepless nights were spent counting sheep and now they are spent imaging different crotchet patterns, and suddenly I am falling asleep. Seeing balls of yarn neatly looped together in a physical sense has stopped them from unraveling in my mind. I am finally at rest, I finally have an escape that has not been tainted by work or study, something I can keep completely free from obligation. I think it's just about saved my life, a silly little ball of yarn.

Beth H