From A Cluster B Personality

When people hear sociopath, they automatically think a crazy serial killer or something to that extent. That would be a psychopath, and a very dramaticized version of one in a movie to be frank. There is a difference between the two. For example, a psychopath cannot control their actions or morals while a sociopath knows what they are doing is wrong but they do it anyways.

I’m neither of these, but I am grouped in the same cluster of personality disorders. There are three clusters, Cluster A which is the more odd and eccentric cluster of personalities including Paranoid, Schizoid, and Scizotypial Personality Disorder. Cluster C the anxious cluster including Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive Compuslive Personality Disorder (Not to be confused with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder [OCD]). And finally Cluster B, the dramatic personality disorders including Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I was diagnosed about five years ago with a personality disorder from Cluster B, with a disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder largely characterized by fear of abandonment, quick intense and exhausting mood swings, impulsivity, distorted self-image, with a large impact on personal relationships.

This diagnosis made a lot of sense for me when I got it but it also scared me to be in the same cluster with antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. I did get a therapist for a few years and it helped a lot, but eventually I lost that therapist due to retirement, and I had extreme difficulty finding another therapist who would treat me. I genuinely wanted to get better and I just felt lost. I also had realized that since my diagnosis that BPD had shared many traits with the other Cluster B personality disorders. I always noticed these would come out at my most destructive. I often would loose almost all emotional feeling and become out of control when things got too bad and I would proceed to sabotage everything.

I’ve been in points of my life where I have gone numb for periods of time since I’ve been so hurt and just alienated everyone and becomes so narcissistic that I could not care about anyone else even if I tried. And this was very difficult for me because deep down I am extremely empathic, but it gets so exhausting constantly taking on the feelings of others and trying to take care of yourself in the process.

Instead of trying to balance things out, I make awful corrupt decisions as a form or self sabotage and enjoyment of the moment. I know exactly what I'm doing and what will happen as a result but most of the time I ignore all of that. I have plans A-Z lined up to cover my tracks. I just live my life for myself and no one else. Like this is a movie and I am the star and the rest of the world consists of extras and supporting characters. I am a selfish and cold person while I am hurt and when I am out of that feeling the guilt consumes me for ever thinking those thoughts and feeling those feelings.

This can leave me feeling so empty inside even more than normal and it’s just very tough to go about my day. Then I go ahead and factor in school, my family, work, my career and my relationship and things seem hopeless. And then when people ask me why I am not enthusiastically out of bed at 6am consistently everyday unless I am in the middle of a manic episode, they forget that my mental illness is a fulltime job, along with my job, and my status as a full time student, and my career that always gets thrown on the back burner since music is not a “real” career so my plan B has to take priority.

All social relationships are so draining as well along with and maintaining my house, doing my taxes, searching for a new therapist, feeding my pets, making time for the gym membership that I paid $400 for, taking a shower, brushing my teeth and hair. Imagine a day where I put on a real outfit and makeup! I would love that day, but it’s just so hard to battle with all of this and be able to lead a normal life sometimes. Medications do help but therapy is a huge thing that always helps me. Sometimes all we also just need support from our friends, not just family, especially if you have difficulty with your family. Most of all, just support yourself by understanding that you have limits and you are dealing with a lot so be proud of yourself and how much you are able to take on. Whenever I do that, I feel loved by myself and more energized to do so much more.

Borderline personality disorder and other cluster B personality disorders are very difficult to live with, but only difficult to treat because a lot of people don’t want help or can’t find help. Once we take that step to get guidence, anything is possible for us and we can live a happy and beautiful life.

[Disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional. This is just advice from personal experience with the disorder talked about. This is not to be used for any diagnosis or professional advice, simply motivational and sharing my experience with others and my personal advice. If you or a loved one suspect you have BPD or any other mental health issues I encourage you to seek a mental health professional because it will really help. If you or a loved one is having suicidal thoughts or actions call suicide hotline at (800)-273-8255 ❤️]