I Just Wanted to Eat Chocolate Cake and Not Worry About Gaining Weight

I wanted to be the woman who could eat cake and ice cream whenever she wanted and not worry about counting calories after. I wanted to be the woman who could obtain pleasure from eating cake and not worry I would gain weight from it.

I started dieting when I was 13 years old. I had just finished an operation and I was an athlete at the time; playing soccer, swimming and dancing. I had to stop all sports for three months. I put on quite a bit of weight quickly. I was a freshman in high school. High school was all new territory for me. I didn't have a lot of friends. I had crushes on guys totally out of my league and I wanted to stay pretty and fit but I had gained quite a bit of weight. I was a thick, dark, half asian athlete. I always struggled to find jeans that fit me and were flattering.

At the time, I saw girls in the magazines who were thin and light skin. I didn't feel beautiful when I gained weight so I did what my mom would do. I started to try "diets." My mom was on the Atkins diet so she started to pack my lunches like hers; romaine lettuce, cheese and turkey wraps (no bread or carbs). After a few days, I felt I was losing weight but I also was extremely tired and felt low energy at soccer practice. I was also craving bread and carbs so much. This was the beginning of my struggle with food (Note: I do not blame my mother for my eating issues, I blame the diet industry and many other factors which I could discuss here but that would turn into an entirely different essay ).

I was craving carbs and when I gave in, I would feel bad. Then, I would eat more carbs and I would feel worse. Then, I found more articles that talked about calories. So, I started watching what I ate. I tried to be low carb and low calorie but I had no idea how to apply what I was learning in my "physical education" class to my real life. In addition to that, my parents were beginning to fight and they were going to get divorced. Also, I met a boy who ended up becoming my boyfriend (and the first boy I lost my virginity to). There were many uncomfortable emotional experiences I was going through in high school (those are just a handful) and I started to look for something I could obsess over in order to ignore the emotional pain I was experiencing. That something was food.

My boyfriend ended up breaking up with me. We still had to go to high school together. We were Homecoming Queen and King and the main actors in school plays (in other words, everyone knew us and the break-up was embarrassing. Especially, when I found out he slept with one of my good friends after we broke up). I was heart-broken and comparing myself to the tall, thin and light skinned models he was around (as he was in that industry). I wanted to be thinner (but I was a soccer player. I was playing club and soccer muscles don't always turn out thin). The magazines said to do certain exercises and try this diet or that diet. I tracked every calorie I consumed, I tried different exercises. Some diets worked but they were so extreme I would "mess up" and eat cake or breads.

I ended up getting injured and had to stop playing soccer. I actually noticed that I was losing weight (Looking back, I know now that I was losing muscle). I liked it. I was walking more comfortably (my legs weren't rubbing as much) but I still wanted to be thinner. I just had this vision in my mind of being thinner and thinner. To not have my legs touch (as that was the normal in my neighborhood). I kept seeing my on and off again high school boyfriend (for 6 years) and I kept wanting to look like what I thought was the ideal woman while battling with starting college and not being sure where I fit in. Quitting soccer, I stopped visualizing a dream I had to become a professional soccer player. I wasn't sure I wanted to edit video anymore or pursue theater. My parents were living in different houses and my mother was angry and not herself (there's a lot more but all this to say, there were emotions I was not wanting to feel). At some point, I started to throw up.

I would extreme diet, count calories and then "mess up" and then I would throw up. At one point, I was staying at my Dad's apartment. I only had some lettuce and chicken in the fridge. I tried to only eat that and peanut butter. He had been out of the country working on a project for about 7 months and he came home, my brother was going to stay for the weekend, and they bought white castle frozen burgers and a bunch of other foods. They bought cookie dough and ice cream. I came back late that night and I had been drinking (also when I tended to "mess up") and I saw all the cookie dough and burgers and that was it. I pulled it all out and ate and ate and ate until about 3am. I ate until I was so full I had to throw up. I cleaned everything up so they wouldn't notice and then I would lock myself in the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat until it hurt to throw up and my fingers burned from the stomach acid.

I would wake up with a swollen face and puffy eyes. I woke up the next morning and they didn't know and I wanted it that way.

My dad went away for another business trip (mind you, I was 21 and very lucky to be staying at his place rent free while in school. I do not blame him for my experiences or my mother. We are all doing the best we can and I did not ask for help). My mom and brother wanted me to go with them to a wedding in North California. I liked how I looked at the time and I didn't want to mess up how I looked but when I went with them and I "messed up." I ate so much bread at the dinner and then a Wendy's shake and burger and fries afterwards. I locked the hotel restroom and turned on the shower so they wouldn't hear me throwing up. I really did not want my little brother to hear anything. He means the world to me. I knew at that moment, I might need help.

Then, I went back home and returned to extreme dieting. My dad was gone for another business trip and at one point I "messed up" and then I threw up all morning for so long that I had to skip class the next day. My throat hurt so badly and my fingers and then my dad called me. He said "Are you okay? I had a dream that we were walking through a forest. You were a black cat walking next to me and then you died. It was a really freaky dream." I held back tears and told him I was perfectly fine. After I got off the phone with him, while I was sitting at the computer in his apartment looking out the window crying because it was like the universe gave my dad that dream so he would call me, I knew at that moment I really needed to get help.

I also had stopped having my period I had gotten so thin. I first reached out to my doctor. I went in and she basically told me I needed to eat more and then she sent me to a nutritionist. I went in to speak to the nutritionist and I walked in and she looked very overweight to me (at the time as my perception of beauty was skewed) and I immediately was not going to listen. I don't remember what she said but I do remember that she told me I had celiac disease. Cool. Well, that didn't really help.

Eventually, I had another moment and overate and threw up again. I stopped throwing up at some point and yelled "No!" and got back up and looked for something else online. I was ready a book about Chinese Medicine. I bought it because my mom had been sick many times already (a stroke and a stomach tumor). That operation I mentioned earlier was surgery to remove a mass that was above my brain). I decided to google "eastern medicine doctors." I found a lady only 15 minutes from me. She was an acupuncturist and she was covered by my father's health insurance. I went to see her and told her about my eating disorder and she told me to stick out my tongue. She told me to cut back on dairy for a month and directed me to a therapist (My first thought: Why don't western doctors do this?).

I went to the therapist, she was in school and still training. I liked her but I didn't really feel that connected to her. I went back to get acupuncture and I googled "therapist who specializes in eating disorders." I found her. She was not too far from me and was covered by my father's health insurance and that was the beginning of an entirely new journey.

I went to her once a week for one hour for a few months. Each session I said more and more. I gave her all of my notes I had written prior which she would read through and discuss the next session. She did give me some direction, she told me it's very important for me to eat carbs as it helps produce a feel good hormone in the body. She also said, I need to eat three meals a day. She said I will gain some weight but it's going to be okay. I was terrified. I was terrified of losing weight and looking bad and being unloveable but I decided I was going to try. I did gain weight but we started to stop talking about food and start talking about other things like the guys I was dating who were emotionally unavailable or my parents and their divorce.

My mother wasn't always the nicest but mother daughter relationships are always difficult. I felt immense pressure and guilt to have been more and better for my brother. My father could have done things differently as well but ultimately, I had never truly allowed myself to grieve the separation of my family. My parents didn't handle it well either. I also never allowed myself to grieve the ending of my relationship with my ex boyfriend. His family was really there for me when my parents were separating. I cried in my therapy sessions a lot. I accepted more and more that life wasn't what I thought it was going to be and allowed myself to find happiness day to day. I obsessed less and less over food and found more books along the way. I didn't have the option of getting too involved in drugs or alcohol. I am lucky my parents were in my life enough to the point that they would have intervened. My family was supportive despite the divorce. My parents are amazing parents but together, they just didn't work and I look back now and know that it's okay. It is amazing how self destructive we can be while we run from the emotions and feelings we do not want to feel. It is amazing how self destructive we can be while we run from the emotions that can actually be our greatest teachers and gateways to a new life and way of being.

So what happened after that? I learned new skills in therapy. I continued journaling. I became more intrigued by Eastern medicine/ acupuncture because my disease (dis ease) was not going to be solved by a conversation about nutrition, another diet or a pill for depression/ anxiety. I picked up a few books that taught me how other cultures see food. I read a book called "French Women Don't Get Fat" by Merielle Guilliani. I gathered a few things: In France they define diet as "the foods you can eat" while in the America it is more of "the foods you can't eat." In France they see food more as pleasure (and I'm making a generalization based on that book but I hope that there is some data to support this as this shift in perception helped me). According to her book, there are other pleasures besides food as well (and I think this is important as we don't want food to be our only pleasure). Pleasures could be music, art, photography, style, conversation, etc. My dad's girlfriend introduced me to hot yoga which was a fantastic way for me to "workout" as I had always been an athlete but I learned a year or so later, that yoga was about mindful movement which allowed me to learn more about the mind, observation of thoughts and all of this tied back into my intrigue with eastern medicine (or more holistic medicine really).

I got my certificate in personal training to learn the science behind fitness which was a fantastic step for me in addition to learning about food and pleasure. I read Charles Einsteins book "The Yoga of Eating" and watched King Corn and read books by Michael Pollan to understand our food systems and culture around food.

Today, I don't think about food. I eat what I want, when I want but my focus is primarily on digestion. What foods will be the best for energy and digestive system. I worked at an all women's gym for about 6 years as a front desk associate, then membership coach/ supervisor. I talked to women everyday about their health issues and saw many patterns. I am not a professional but I did recommend that they read the textbook from the National Association of Sports Medicine. "Buy it used!" I would say. I remember one member, she had been going to the gym years before I started working there. Let's call her Stacy. She came in and we talked about what she wanted. She wanted to lose weight. My emphasis was on education. I didn't want to focus on how she can look a certain way but inspire her to learn about how amazing her body is. I talked about how muscle is built and I would touch on journaling, wellness and mindfulness. Then, I would recommend the "National Association of Sports Medicine" textbook and I would tell them to read a page a day. No diet fads just science based education. She did that and a year later she changed her body. First, she became a trainer and then she became a group fitness teacher. She reminded me one day because I was having a bad day at work and she said "you remember you're the one who inspired me to read that textbook and changed my life?" and I got all my energy back in that moment and felt so happy because my existence helped someone.

Now, I do a lot of yoga and just focus on eating more greens/ fresh food but I listen to my cravings and I also get a lot of pleasure from many things besides food; nature, friendships, documentaries, design, it's endless. I do eat cake and ice cream and it's for pleasure. I think I look beautiful and I love my relationship with food and my body. It's not always perfect but it is loving more than not and I really think that everything is about education. Just keep learning about the systems, history, the history of medicine, the history of food, the history of religion and pleasure. Just keep learning and be open to ideas so you can create a life you love.

If you're struggling with food, I would be happy to have more conversations but I just hope that me sharing my story helps someone along their journey. That's all :)