Rise Like a Phoenix Bird From the Ashes

I came from a dark world of sex-offenders, murderers and neglectful adults. I started again but it wasn’t easy. Some days I almost gave up in those early days.

I was alone in the world. Unwanted and invisible.

I ended up in a place of rain and constant grey. The sun almost never breaking through the clouds, granting light into a bleak world. The people that I worked for were upper class citizens, and so far up the proverbial food chain that I was treated worse than the flea-ridden pet cat. I was vermin, a nobody.

They excluded me from the house. Told me to go and sit in a bar every night and get some friends. I had no money, since they paid me almost nothing for being a slave in their house. Cooking, cleaning, looking after their spoilt children who treated me with disrespect.

Being destitute offered no opened doors. Even a soda costs money in a bar and so they forced me to patrol the streets in the dark. I couldn’t return until midnight when the bars closed. Imagine that? You’re eighteen and a girl wandering the streets.

The rain didn’t just pour, but soaked through my clothes after hours in the damp. Cars rushed past me, soaking my clothes even further. I had no money to go anywhere, still a teenager. Not a child, but not an adult either.

When I got back to the house at midnight, the house was dark and un-inviting. Everyone was asleep and they turned off the heating at night. I hung up my clothes but clothes do not dry in the cold and wet. The next day I had another set of soaking clothes drying in my damp room.

Being excluded not just once but twice in life, leaves a mark. I sometimes think back to those lonely days of being profoundly hungry and soaking wet. I was a trauma survivor seeking help and I ended up somewhere that did the opposite. Most people have no idea what it feels like to be truly broken.

I do.

The pain from abuse and from witnessing murders right beside me left me shattered into millions of pieces. Then being abandoned by the people I asked for shelter, left me further damage.

Abandoned yet again. Hungry, yet again and soaked through yet again.

I did a lot of soul-seeking in those days and I made a plan. With a little help from a friend, and some more help from another slowly got me to rise again. First food and shelter was on my list. Then making friends. Starting a new social network.

After that, I signed up for education so that I could make something of myself. I went to night school, what I called community college. Nothing fancy, just hard work to prove that I had what it took to be someone.

The hard work paid off and I got accepted into a teaching program. I graduated four years later. It felt unreal.

My life built from there. Slowly but surely, I earned a paycheck each month. It’s incredible to have money when you’ve never had it. Every item I bought was for me to have a better life. My first real bed with proper bed sheets, my first table to eat food and chairs - even having a washer was exciting. Everything added up to a life of value.

I was a nobody, but I became somebody.

I look back at the that person who I was thirty years ago and I wonder….

How did I rise again? How did I do it, not just once, but twice?

I’m at a crossroads once again in my life, considering a writing career and teach on the side. Is it the right time in this troubled world? Will it ever be the right time?

Where is life taking you right now? Do you ever question what you want vs what you need?

Thanks for reading.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

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Here are a few links to my top articles:

How To Explain Complex PTSD To Loved Ones

https://medium.com/illumination/how-to-explain-complex-ptsd-to-loved-ones-769f81d437ab

A Search for Identity

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/a-search-for-identity-893df7c970c2

Dealing With Flashbacks

https://medium.com/illumination/dealing-with-flashbacks-1b8c0d94c19d

The Knock on the Door that Changed My World

https://medium.com/illumination/the-knock-on-the-door-that-changed-my-world-ff126c8c07cf