Social Anxiety and the pain it inflicts. But also the victory when you overcome…
A moment of vulnerability and being caught in the rain
I was certain that every encounter would lead to bullying.
These strangers all had a plan, and they would turn their backs on me. I would be burnt like sienna if they rejected me. I would never leave the house again because of it, my body and mind would be like an open wound.
If there was a gathering, I would throw tantrums. Everyone needed to know that I was going to reign dolorous. No one was going to protect me from making a fool out of myself.
No one was going to put a cloak of invisibility around me.
Just don’t say anything stupid, they will think you’re smarter than them, then they won’t bully or hate you.
Everyone became a code I could not crack.
Eureka!
If I appear cold and distant, they might even feel the way I do on the inside. Then I would have the upper hand.
But no. I needed to smile because I am also a nice person, I don’t want anyone to feel ill of ease because of me. Why did I need to roll a dice to survive every social interaction?
One day I decided to wear the ‘relax’ armour. I thought it was a lousy fit and my patience wore thin, I needed to feel not like a ghost but someone who was alive.
So I shrugged on ‘be frightened by all’ armour, and eye contact became an invasive disease, until I relaxed into nothing. I wanted peace. I wanted to feel at home in my body and feel like a natural around people I actually wanted to interact with. Why the heck was that so hard to achieve?
Why do I froth when I try to talk?
Using the simplest of words, because I suddenly forgot all that I once knew.
I did the last thing on the list. I had to believe I was not the main character. I had to want nothing out of an interaction, besides being there inside my quiet walls. I am a quiet person. Then I was approachable. Many came to talk to me.
Some had small foreheads, some big. I paid attention to their hair length and their smiles and I was warmed and welcomed into their space. The space just around the form of their bodies. I chose to interpret nothing, to be genial in my demeanour. I chose the thing that took no effort.
What did take a lot out of me, was acting like someone I was not.
Then when I was away from them. I had the world in my hand, and I controlled it’s orbit. I could turn my life from storms to spring, until the bullet thoughts came piercing in.
Then all of a sudden, you didn’t say that right and you forgot to respond to this part of what that person had said. I thought I failed the mission.
But I needed to walk through the brambles and be pricked a few times to breathe in a steady rhythm again. That was how I came to write this.
My second mission is to finish the story I am currently writing without feeling too stupid to stand up to my own mind. Without setting fire to my own tongue. I need to remember that I am a writer, that it is not a badge that is removable. That it is my skin, it is me.
It is hard feeling like there’s always a new battle to fight on every new day.
That even though I am kind, I can’t be kind to everyone because there are limits to my mind and limits to time.
I suffer when I don’t keep my promises.
I need to remember that I should laugh in the rain and secure a gaze on the shiny pebbles. They were once dry, but they became like diamonds under my feet. How precious it is to beg them for peace than to beg, from myself.
I should remember that there are sounds out there in nature, like the sound of a waterfall. That it could blend the noise of rain to make you unaware or aware of the coming rain.
I remember laughing and screaming with my husband when we got caught eating a sandwich. Hood down behind our necks , we got caught in the rain.
Just like that, there is peace when I am not the main character.
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A story I’ve read and loved from this community:
A story of mine that didn’t win the challenge but still haunts me. Not because it didn’t win the challenge, but because I saw someone recently who was a part of this memory. They came all the way down to where I live, close anyway, and I thought that was weird. So I am linking it here to remind myself, but you can read it if you haven’t already. 👇🏾
A/N: Thank you so much for reading if you got this far 🤗♥️🙏🏽
About the Creator
Caitlin Charlton
poetry too close to home
🪄~unique fictional stories 💎 you’ve never known 🪄
📖~ let me read your work, say hi to me, I will leave comments longer than the road, please do return ~ 🙏🏽
📸 YouTube natures finest moments 🎥
~ married👰💍 ~
Reader insights
Outstanding
Excellent work. Looking forward to reading more!
Top insight
On-point and relevant
Writing reflected the title & theme
Keep reading
More stories from Caitlin Charlton and writers in Psyche and other communities.
When the sun goes away
You sit there in your room, the bathroom is calling for you to take a shower but the curtain is not drawn and the light isn’t seeping in through the corner. You left the milk on the table and what you wanted to eat is expired, the alcohol at the store is too far for you to bother.
By Caitlin Charltonabout a year ago in Psyche
What Happens To Your Brain When You Stop Multitasking
Digital technology is the culprit that is causing us to doom scroll when tired, disengaged and unmotivated with the content that motivated you to log onto your device to consume in the first place. That is only the beginning. In the modern workplace (and even when filing cabinets were around, I confirmed this with my adopted parents to get my facts right); reading files while you are supposed to be present to the caller on the other end of the phone line is another classic example of multitasking that causes your brain (although adaptable and intelligent) to lose focus and concentration.
By Justine Crowley3 days ago in Psyche
Comments (25)
I look in awe at writers who show this depth of openness. I felt like I was inside your brain, so that's some next-levels writing O Creative One!
Great read, Caitlin! I also froth at the mouth quite frequently when I talk, too! 😂
wow
"Using the simplest of words, because I suddenly forgot all that I once knew" perfectly tells how the anxiety takes over, when you open your mouth to speak and your mind dissipates into nothing. You captured social anxiety perfectly, well done!
" I need to remember that I am a writer, that it is not a badge that is removable. That it is my skin, it is me." I will remember this line every time I start doubting myself again. Congratulations on your stop story, Caitlin❣
This piece shows that your level of awareness is mature and thoughtful. A deep thinker who chooses to dive deeper when needed to come up with what you wrote here. Happy belated congrats!!!
"I needed to walk through the brambles and be pricked a few times to breathe in a steady rhythm again." What a beautiful, painful line. It perfectly describes how tough growth can be.
So beautiful and humanly real I love it and the clearness how you are writing it and yes when we are not the main characters, it becomes so soft gentle relaxing way of being, cleaning and clearing our aura many times a day this ritual can help a lot trying to make it a gong in life :)so the world feels different :) and Yes I have noticed You do write about exactly same things :) in a different way I love how pure exact you are about it its like cleaning already purifying to be able to unite and synchronize with others again ! Wonderful, Thank You so much for sharing !
Dear Caitlin, your heart shines through in this piece. I admire your balance in honouring yourself and maintaining your boundaries while still respecting others. Well done!❤️🌹
The depth of this story is so very real. A searching and an admitting, owning of the moments. Congrats
Coming back for another lap to say congrats on Top Story Caitlin!! 🎉
This was so honest and beautifully written—I really felt the struggle and the small victories. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with such grace.
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
I began reading this shortly after you published it but was interrupted. After finally reading this in whole my first immediate word is DEEP and my second word is SPECTACULAR. There were a lot of thoughts encapsulated in this pageant. Every emotion is represented. This reminded me of my current life and how I can experience all of these mixed emotions sometimes in a matter of less than five minutes. I came across a multitude of valuable lines as read this brain teaser. With each line read another piece of the puzzle fell into place. The pebbles to diamonds left me gasping not with pain or fear but with beautiful amazement - somehow a strength that something so common in nature could sparkle so beautifully. But it was the finale: “Just like that, there is peace when I am not the main character,” that hit like bombs bursting in air. Such a call to action of realizing that I am not the only one.
Wooohooooo congratulations on your Leaderboard placement! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
It's a battle sometimes, eh? The metaphor of armour is an appropriate one, for sure.
You tell the story of what it is like to fear social interaction so well, Caitlin. Many times, I have avoided something that would have been good fun because of how I would be accepted socially. The feelings you raise from overthinking the situation are real, and when you overcome that by stopping your thoughts, it usually is nowhere near as bad, just as you described it. Loved it Caitlin!
I hope you're okay. It can trigger a lot in us when someone in our past returns. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
You. Captured the feeling of being trapped within our own mind so well Struggling to survive This line made me wish I would have thought of it : ‘Everyone became a code I could not crack.’
This was well captured and relatable, Caitlin!! Social anxiety is the worst!!
A brilliant, eloquent & phenomenally-written depiction of the nuances of social anxiety! Beautifully written & inspiring CC! Hugs to you my friend! Thx so much 4 sharing!
This is excellent on so many levels. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this with us Caitlin. We have to find our own ways of protecting ourselves, in life and on Vocal. This will be helpful to a lot of creators
Social interactions are extra challenging for the introverted. I love how you brought your own unique strategy using armor as a metaphor rather than masks. But the strategy of changing your perceived role from the focal point to a supporting player is truly wise and mature, Caitlin. This is something I have struggled with my whole life so I relate to your frustration. Also loved the episode of you and your husband getting caught in the rain eating a sandwich!
I love the way you describe the armour we put on in social situations. it really resonated. I especially loved the reminder at the end about finding peace when we’re not the main character.