A Struggling Feminist

Thoughts are spiraling in my head- they are going through my spines, nerves and throughout my body. I am struggling to fit in with my current situation alongside with my own principles and beliefs. The principles and personality I built up- ummm- for around thirty-six years of my life! Well I was born and brought up in Global South. Global South- the polished term being used instead of third world country.

So, if you born in a place like this- no way you can be a feminist. That's a bad word. A feminist is equivalent to a slut. No no, trust me, I am not telling about just mass people - even highly educated porfessionals like professors or lawyers or doctors think so. Even most of the women think so. They start a sentence like- 'Well I am not a feminist , but I think women should educate themselves and earn money'.

They tell you not to go outside and play the moment you reach around ten. They will tell you not to laugh loudly, not to dress in a way that makes men provoked, not to talk with boys unnecessarily and also not get involved anything artsy like music and dancing. Yes, you hear me right. Trust me I am not telling this about Afghanistan. That's a little country with a huge population whose constitution calls it 'secular' Country. That's a big issue of debate though.

You might be thinking - 'how I became a feminist then?' Because I read a book of an exiled writer from my country when I was just 12 years old. She dared to tell too bold stuffs for our society to handle in the eightys. This country could not secure her safety and sent her abroad. She is still living abroad and has lost lots of her spirit which is pretty humane. When I was a little kid- I read books written by women and my mother was there. She was the working woman. She was my father's colleague. She used to bring equal money to the family.

Unfortunately, (as per to the societal standard) this couple wasn't blessed with a boy. They had me within one year of their marriage, and after one miscarriage and after waiting around six years and seven months, another baby girl. This baby girl was the most influential feminist force in my life. We survived all the odds, all the bad words, all the traumas altogether. We laughed, we cried, we fought, we spitted on each other while fighting but never stopped loving each other. We shaped each other's personality, education and life. So our parents decided to raise educated and smart women who could take care of themselves.

I got good grades, good jobs but realized that I am not a good fit. Not good enough to make my own decisions, to get a sensitive and normal man who treats me respectfully. Not good enough as a colleague because who does all of her own work even after being a female? Who are so outspoken or opinionated and why does she maintain nice friendships with other females? My boss hated me, the women who's husband does their office work hated me. I lacked the nicest quality of femininity- 'submissiveness'. Even after all, I continued. I loved what I did. I wanted to be an academic all by my heart. I use to teach feminism in my Human Rights course so that my students see the world in a different light.

I became extremely busy, joined conferences and exchange programs abroad. I tried my best to make my CVa little better. You know what they think of me? A slut. Whatever, I cried , with the help of my mom and sister- gathered myself together and started to go again .The pandemic came, lots of personal storms came, I survived because I earned money. At some point I decided to come to a nordic country for pursuing an international masters.

In between, I met a kind nordic man. He loved me, he hold my hand publicly, took me to his friends, parents and called me pretty. He was the most patient person ever with me. He never thought that I talk too much, laugh so loudly or I am opinionated. I felt that I wanted him in my life. We both wanted to be with each other. I decided to stay.

Even after all the odds, all the rejection mails from employers all the bad situations of my job sector, all the non-cooperations from my professors, all the anti-immigration policies- I decided to stay. I just never had this calmness in my life. It was all full of chaos. Last summer, we got married and guess what- it was the marriage I never imagined. I wore the dress and jewelry of my choice, groom of my choice, restaurant of my choice and a handful of people we love. You must be thinking- aren't it suppose to be like that? Uhu, nope! A girl does not always decide them all always! It makes them too powerful!

I couldn't be more grateful to life! I am learning my third language and now on intermediate level. Finished my graduation almost one year and two months ago. Applied to thousands of jobs and yes eventually got rejected. I am getting panic attacks. I always believed in equal partnerships. But my situation is making me feel that I have to take money from my husband. I am feeling like a small person swimming against a sea, a lost feminist with spiraling thoughts from my spine to head or head to spine? Am I finding myself at the position I fought hard not to be?