Boundless

A geographical map could take you there. To the places I've been, to the sights I've seen, to the landscapes I've climbed.

But no compass could point you in the direction of my memories. To the experiences I've lived, to the happiness I've felt, to the wonder I've held so close to my heart.

I found my way there and then made my way home. But now I can't seem to guide myself back through the fog of every-day life. The 9-to-5 work, the never-ending list of tasks, the short supply of energy left at the end of the day. I forged the path there, to that wonderful place of inspiration and creation, but have landed back in this hole of emptiness.

I lost myself there, in that wonderful place. Lost in a good way. Lost in my imagination, the endless beauty, the warmth of others. But now I am lost in a bad way. Lost in my doubt, the tireless efforts, the depth of darker days.

How cruel is it to be shown the boundless possibilities of a fully creative life, only for it to be taken away so quickly?

How cruel is it to know such freedom of thought, only for it to be buried in the noise?

It's taken me a long time to finish writing this, and this doesn't even come close to describing my experience. This is just a rambling of thoughts as I try to comprehend the power of those two short weeks in another place. It's been almost six months since my writing residency at Chateau d'Orquevaux in France and I have yet to truly write about it.

As a writer, I do not have the adequate words.

But if I am being honest, my experience in France is beyond words. For months I have thought about the days spent in the countryside, surrounded by pure inspiration from both nature and people, and it is hard to capture those feelings. I feel as though I am trying to catch fireflies in a jar, expecting their light to shine indefinitely, but it will never be the same as living in those moments.

On one of the first nights at the Chateau, we witnessed a rainbow stretching across the sky. We marveled at its beauty. How magnificent rainbows are from a distance but disappear the moment you get too close. As if it was never really there at all, just an illusion of light. We see what we want to see, a world of color in the darkness. To see a beginning and an end all at once, to know what's on the other side waiting for us. But it is just a mirage, a play on particles. Drifting, flittering, sparkling. Until they evaporate into nothing. No pot of gold simply waiting.

But rainbows don't appear to trick us or fool us. They show us what is possible. They validate our presence; We are meant to be here, in this moment. We must forge the gold ourselves with what we have, with what we've been given, with what we make.