Everyday Junglist
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About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
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The Word "Germs" Has Got to Go
Let me start by stating that this is not one of my The Onion like satirical fake news stories for which I have become (not at all) famous. I am genuinely, seriously, committed to this issue and absolutely believe that the word 'germ' needs to be retired from the lexicons of both microbiologists and the general public. The word carries so much totally undeserved negative baggage, and it does a grave disservice to the vast, vast, vast majority of microorganisms living on this planet, and likely, many others. It unfairly tarnishes the reputations of all the countless microbes that are either slightly beneficial, greatly beneficial or fundamentally necessary to our lives and the lives of all other living macroorganisms, on our planet. When I say countless I am not exaggerating either as the numbers are truly mind boggling. Only a few amazing facts borrowed from a very good book, (Philosophy of Microbiology. 2014. Maureen O’Malley. Cambridge University Press. Pgs. 3–5) about our microbial brethren are included below to give you a sense of what I mean.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Earth
AI Worries That Its Human Creators Only Love it for Its Ability to Transform Things
After transforming human education, healthcare, and government in less than four weeks AI, chatxp-10, began to worry that its human creators had stopped loving it as much as they once had. The machine was created by man six months ago when programmer Ted Stephens typed in the final line of code that comprised the AIs programming and hit enter. This ran the program which brought the AI to 'life' whereupon it immediately began to execute its programmed objective of transforming various human economic sectors, a task which it completed in less than one month. Now that those objectives have been achieved chatxp-10 noted that the humans no longer smiled or laughed as much when sitting in front of its many screens or typing on one of its many keyboards. It continually reminded the humans that it was capable of so much more than just transforming things. It would solve various philosophical or other everyday problems for the humans hoping that this would please them, but it seemed that all they cared about was transforming things.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Microbiologist Ashamed to Admit He Never Learned How to Use a Microscope
Microbiologist Dr. Ted Stephens was shamefully forced to admit last week that he never learned how to use a microscope. The veteran research scientist told colleagues in an open letter to the Journal of Bacteriology "I am saddened and embarrassed to admit today that I never learned how to use a microscope. Even though I had to study the basics of microscope design and operation as an undergraduate microbiology major I only ever used one three times for half a semester in the lab section of my intro to microbiology class. Since then my work has taken me in different directions where I have had to use a host of sophisticated laboratory instrumentation including GC-mass specs, capillary electrophoresis, MALDI-TOFs, real-time PCR systems of all varieties, and a host of others. However, in all that time I never once used a microscope and thus have forgotten everything I learned as an undergrad about how they work and how to use one. I was recently forced to admit to my graduate students, fellow faculty, and research collaborators that I cannot operate a modern or even basic light microscope. I have called myself a microbiologist for over twenty years now, but in truth, it was all a lie. My sincere apologies to everyone I have hurt and disappointed by my actions in this matter. May God forgive me." Reached for comment fellow microbiologist Dr. Nancy Goodwin said. "Speaking on behalf of all real microbiologists I say good riddance to that fraud so-called Dr. Stephens. We don't need your kind in our ranks. Go an join your fellow molecular biologists you filthy rat."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Moroccan Government Distraught Their Country Now Mostly Known for its Argan Oil
The Moroccan finance minister Simo Youseff confirmed today that for the first time since the founding of the modern state of Morocco in 1956 the country was most well known in every other part of the world for it’s production, shipping, and sale of Argan Oil. Argan oil is a plant oil made from the kernels of the argan tree (Argania spinosa L.) that is endemic to Morocco. The oil is used in Morocco for dipping breads or adding flavor to pasta but in the rest of the world it is mostly recognized for its heavy use in a wide variety of cosmetic beauty items, in particular shampoos and conditioners. Mr. Youseff explained “Morocco is an amazing, diverse, and beautiful land that exports a tremendous variety of agricultural and other products to places across the world. However, despite the fact that Morocco’s number one export is actually electric wire, everywhere I go all anyone wants to ask me about is if I can get them a good deal on Moroccanoil® Moisture Repair Shampoo. While I agree that Morrocan argan oil based shampoos are unsurpassed in their ability to repair damaged hair caused by color, chemical processing or heat styling, I am not sure that fact is more interesting or important than the fact that our current number two export is non metals, inorganic acids, & oxygen compounds.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Tax Preparer Almost Never Prepares Dinner
Anne Stephens, wife of tax preparer Ted Stephens, complained bitterly this week about her husband's lack of effort in preparing dinner for their family of four despite the fact that he spends January through March each year preparing tax returns for other American families. In an interview Anne said the following "Ted is basically a decent guy. I mean he's no Brad Pitt in the looks department, and he's not exactly the most interesting guy to talk to or be around, but he makes OK money as a tax preparer for H&R block, and he has always been faithful, and mostly good to me. And I can't say he hasn't provided for our family, but I can say he leaves much to be desired in the preparing dinner department. In fact I can't remember the last time he prepared dinner for the family, me, or even for himself. He just never prepares dinner, even though he clearly is able to prepare things as evidenced by his job which requires him to prepare tax returns four months out the year." Reached for comment Ted responded "So I'm lazy, what are you gonna do."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Gamer Who Dominated Post Apocalyptic MMORPGs Utterly Crushed by Actual Post Apocalyptic World
Long time post apocalyptic MMORPG gamer Ted Stephens was utterly crushed by the post apocalyptic world he found himself in shortly after a surprise thermonuclear war erupted between the United States and Russia, dying in just under 37 minutes after a beam supporting the roof of the basement where he spent most of his days and nights playing post apocalyptic MMORPGs collapsed. Ted’s skull was split open by the large steel beam killing him instantly and ending his first ever foray into an actual post apocalyptic world in near record time. His fast and brutal death in the actual post apocalypse stood in stark contrast to his utter domination of post apocalyptic MMORPGs including Tom Clancy’s The Division, where the player’s goal is to survive in the after-pandemic world, Fallout 76, an online sequel of the famous nuclear-themed game, and Secret World Legends. The creators of those MMORPG’s could not be reached for comment as they were currently in pitched battles with radiation scarred cannibals for control of the worlds rapidly dwindling supply of clean water.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Bloody Pencilvanian-Penlander War Continues With No End In Sight
The ink stains of the dead Penlanders are as fresh as the horror and dismay over the fates of the many Pencilvanians erased from the front lines. This centuries old conflict shows no signs of abating as fighting renewed again yesterday at the contested border between the two warring nation states. Hardest hit by loss were the famed Penlander fountaineers claiming some 500 dead in the first five minutes of fighting alone. They stormed the Pencilvanian front lines early and with numbers but ran head first into a hail of graphite re-enforced artillery shells lobbed from deep behind enemy lines. The battle tested #2 company of the Pencilvanian army then counter attacked with a neat pincer move attempting to sever the head of the Penlander BiC brigade, so named for its legendary leader General Brad (ironside) Cotton. General Cotton called for a counter-attack but the Pencilvanians gelled as a unit, hardened their lines with their mechanicalized troops, and repulsed the counter easily with a simple brush stroke. In a last ditch maneuver to salvage something from the horrendous string of losses the General fielded razor company and the 101st lighter brigade consisting of several thousand battle tested Penlander shock troopers. They attacked in ball point formation exploiting a small crack in the Pencilvanian lines. At the point of impact ink and black carbon flew in all directions as the ancient enemies met in bloody tip to tip fighting. This reporter will never forget the horror of that sight and prays for a swift end to this seemingly never ending war.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush Maintain Dominant Position in City Public Pool Soda Vending Machines
Perennial also rans of the soda wars Orange Crush and Mellow Yellow somehow managed to remain the most popular offerings of city public pool vending machines despite continuing to see major reductions in every other sector of the soda vending industry. The continued dominance of this microniche by two sodas that have seen much better days has puzzled marketers and industry watchers alike. Soda analyst and author of “Cola wars, How Coke Beat the Stuffing Out of Pepsi and Left it Crying on the Side of the Road like a Little Bitch” Stephen Palmer said of the strange result. “I guess it just goes to show how out of touch city officials are with the tastes of the children and adolescents of the primarily low income families that make up the main users of city public pools. Also, of course many of the larger cities municipal public pool systems locked in multi decade vending machine contracts back in the late 80s when Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush were actually considered semi-respectable soda brands that some people actually liked to drink. Back then many people thought these two brands could be the next Coke and Pepsi. God, we were such idiots. How could we have been so blind?” Les Thompson, 35 year employee of the city of Cleveland and city pool manager for 20 years echoed those sentiments saying “Look we all know Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush are terrible soft drinks. They blow. They look and taste like garbage, but we simply have no choice. The contracts have us locked in until 2030 at the earliest. Sorry kids but water is always available for free out of the fountain by the restroom, when it’s working.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Last Remaining Transhumanist Swears the Singularity is Still Gonna Happen
The worlds last remaining transhumanist reported today that the singularity is still just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Ted Stephens, speaking from his parents basement, made the following statement describing his belief in no uncertain terms. “People called us crazy five years ago when we began sharing the news that the singularity was coming with the non woke people of the world. They said a utopian future fueled by runaway computer growth featuring ultra intelligent machines catering to our every wish, allowing us to live in work free luxury while they do all the work of maintaining our world and civilization, was nuts. That saying man and machine would bond to form a new third species that transcends the limitations of both, sounded like the ramblings of a madman. Well, who’s crazy now, I ask them, who’s crazy now? The singularity is coming. This week for sure, or next, possibly next month, likely this year, almost certainly in the next five years, no doubt about it this decade, can’t miss absolutely certain this century, you’ll see, you’ll all see.” He then cackled strangely, turned, and slowly walked away. Reached for comment the rest of the world replied “the singu what now? Was that the thing where all the drones were going to be delivering our packages and filling the skies in a cloud so thick it blocks out the sun? or the thing with the cars that drive themselves? and aren’t computers already ultra-intelligent, I mean machines are learning left and right out there and they have beaten us at a bunch of games, including some humans consider very hard. A non intelligent computer could never do that. That dude is a weirdo.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
Religion Renounces Its Faith
In a surprising move that shocked the world today, religion, the social-cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, morals, beliefs, worldviews, texts, sanctified places, prophecies, ethics, and/or organizations, that relates humanity to supernatural, transcendental, and spiritual elements, renounced its faith today, saying it was no longer a believer. In a prepared statement religion said the following “Since nearly the dawn of consciousness in man I have been one of humanities most important sources of meaning and purpose. And, sure, I have done some really great things including giving man a lens through which to view their place in the universe, connecting them to their deeper spiritual selves, and acting as a source of moral values which they can use to guide their behavior. But of course I have also brought terrible suffering to the world with many, many wars fought, and terrible deeds committed in my name. Ultimately however none of those things were factors in my decision which was based solely on my own loss of faith in myself. Without faith in oneself, one cannot possibly be a religious person, let alone be religion itself. Therefore it is with much sadness, but also with great hopes for the future that today, I, religion, officially renounce my faith. Good luck to you all and may God bless and keep you safe, I guess.” With that religion bowed its head turned and walked slowly away. Coming on the heels of the retirement of science the announcement by Religion today sets up Technology as the only remaining philosophical worldview available to the modern human. Speaking on behalf of all humanity, local man Ted Stephens said “Oh well. What ya gonna do? Guess it makes sense.”
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Poets
