Lillibeth Rayanne
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Stories (16)
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Here I Stand
Here I stand. A shadow of my original body. I decided to listen when I was called fat. And now I am all skin and bones. I am dying. I refuse to gain weight and I refuse to listen to people. Cause here I stand to show what this world does to a normal, healthy person. And I stand here no longer healthy. All my bones showing. I’m always cold and I know my organs are shutting down. This is me and I will change. Cause fat is healthy. Skinny doesn’t show how healthy you are. You need the fat to protect you. And I will show it no matter what people call me. Cause here I stand.
By Lillibeth Rayanne8 years ago in Poets
A Toy
I sit on a shelf and I watch. The little girl comes and goes frequently. She doesn’t play with me anymore. I am a frog and I rattle. I have seen many birthdays and many sad days, like the day she took me to the hospital to say goodbye to her grandma. Or the day she turned five. I’m all dusty now and I have moved homes. The little girl got taken away from her family 'cause her daddy hurt her. She was in the hospital a while one time. She slept a lot and hardly picked me up. She constantly brings little children into this room. They come and go. Never the same children. I don’t know why they don’t play with me anymore. The little girl is grown now. She has a big belly. She took me down off the shelf and washed me. I was put into a bed but it has bars. The girl has gone away for a couple days but she is home now. There is a small child in the bed with me. I am getting played with again. The little boy becomes one then two and then three. I watch as he grows older and older but he constantly plays with me. I don’t rattle anymore but he sleeps with me and I haven’t been put on a shelf in a long time. I got taken to a new place and it’s huge. He calls me lucky. He thinks I’m a good luck charm. A few years pass and soon we move again. I am set on a shelf in a little room. It has dragons and knights on the walls. And the bed with bars is in the corner. He takes me to a hospital with him. He is crying. I notice the girl is in the bed. She says he will see him soon and then there is that same weird noise. The same noise that was there when she said goodbye to her grandma. He turns to a girl who is standing next to him. She hugs him and places a hand on her belly. He says it’s time. He rushes her out the door and takes her to a different floor. I am in his pocket. Time flies by quickly and soon I’m introduced to another little child. He holds me and the child as doctors rush past. The kid grows up constantly in the hospital as his mother loses her hair and then her strength. The little boy holds me close as his dad kneels in front of him. He says mommy has to go to a far away place. The little boy is confused. But his mom tells him goodbye and she loves him and then she is gone. I am growing old my time is coming close. I watch the little boy turn five. I watch more years fly by. I have a hole in my side and I have lost all my stuffing. My time is close. I am put in a bag and then a metal box. I hear rumbling and then I feel wind. The bag is with a bunch of other bags. The bags get picked up by a metal claw thing. The bags are dropped in a chute and a weird clanking sound starts up. I see a bright light and then I feel heat. This is it. This is the end. I am close to thirty years old. Most toys don’t live past fifteen. I feel the heat get hotter. I am ready. I am gone.
By Lillibeth Rayanne8 years ago in Families
A Conversation Between Two Friends
I can’t take it. Just because one person believes in me doesn’t mean anything. I sometimes wonder what would happen if I die. I constantly think about dying but I haven’t got around to it yet. I try so hard not to think about it but it is always there.. I can hardly go a day without wanting to cut myself just to make everything fade. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff with only one way out and that is to jump. I know that I would die but what else can I do? I keep thinking that one person believes that I can get past this without jumping and it’s the only thing that has stopped me from jumping. I try to turn back but I can’t turn I’m stuck standing there and trying to find a way out without jumping. If nobody believed that I could get through this I would have already jumped. I just want to kill myself to lessen my pain but what is the point of lessening your pain when it brings pain onto someone else? I can hardly breathe because it feels like there is a something pressing down on my chest. Depression is the worst. The dark days where everything seems to go the wrong way. I am absolutely terrified of the dark. So depression is worse for me than for normal people with depression, I think. I just want to quit. But he tells me that I can’t quit so I won’t quit. I can’t quit for his sake. Why me? Why does this have to happen to me? I hate my life. I just want to change my life for the better but I can’t because of what happened to me. God damn it. I definitely need some help. My dad sexually abused me for five years so how can I continue?
By Lillibeth Rayanne8 years ago in Psyche
Eating Disorders
You know that little voice inside your head that makes you feel guilty for eating too much? For some of us that voice turns on us and makes us not eat or throw up. Most people just ignore that voice but other people, well they just can’t make the voice go away. They have to do what the voice says like me. Actually I learned that voice doesn’t control me. I learned it’s okay to eat a little extra and that I don’t have to be skinny. The voice still makes me feel guilty at times and I can’t resist and then it’s back with the uphill climb.
By Lillibeth Rayanne8 years ago in Psyche
