A Story About Body Shame

Nathan got his looks from his father: his skinny body and his excessive body hair. In fact, he was one of the first boys in his year that had facial hair, the bold hairs sprouting in the eighth grade. It was the moment he first had to deal with being called a ‘lanky monkey’. His father felt like a road map for Nathan’s body, with the only current difference being the tops of their heads. Bald on the top with hair wrapped around the side like a desperate wreath, thin enough to let his big ears stick out. Nathan dreaded losing his hair.

“Do you get great reception with those things?”, “Hey Dumbo, why don’t you use your ears to fly away?”, even in his childhood, his ears attracted attention. When he left primary school, his confidence had faded. He resorted to wearing bucket hats as long as he was allowed. Adolescence and longer hair had given him a new lease on life. As an all-powerful teen, he felt he was finally in control of how people saw him. The longer his hair, the safer he felt.

The taunting found new parts of his body to target, but Nathan took solace in his ability to hide his ears. It was his father, the walking prediction of his future, who would let him down. Sometimes Graham would come to pick Nathan up after footy practice early and wait on the side of the oval. It felt like his dad made no effort to fit in, wearing plain polos and shorts all year round. Every time Jerome would point him out in front of all the other guys.

“I swear I can see his balls sticking out from under his shorts”, He would say.

The others would almost be in tears. Nathan would join them. Better his father than him.

“Your dad looks like Gollum”, Jerome added.

Nathan had known Jerome since the third grade. Nathan’s parents were always nice to him, even letting Jerome stay over for a whole week when his parents were struggling. Things changed in high school, and it was hard for Nathan to see Jerome as a friend anymore.

Nathan eventually asked his dad to stop picking him up from practice. Graham was confused, the school bus took a much longer route, but he relented. He thought his son wanted to spend more time with his friends.

The holidays came around and Nathan’s hair had grown longer than ever. It brushed his shoulders and fell around his face like a helmet. When he returned to school everyone laughed, but Nathan felt justified in the trade-off. He took on the role of class clown and twisted their teasing to his advantage.

The show lasted a few minutes before the bell rang, the teacher walked in and Nathan was sent out. Long hair wasn’t permitted for boys at Harrow Secondary.

Principal Stewart wasn’t a bad guy. He tried his best to befriend the students while retaining his authority. He tried to do Nathan a favour by forcing him into the Shave For A Cure at lunchtime. That way Nathan would be a hero. Principal Stewart wasn’t a bad guy at all, he just didn’t understand.

Nathan went back to class in a daze. He felt hollow, stripped of his sense of self. He waded his way through, and when the bell finally sounded for lunchtime the air felt dense. His stomach folded in on itself and twisted.

Nathan could barely look at the sandwich his mum had made and reached instead for a brown spotted banana.

“Oh dude, don’t eat that”, a classmate said over his shoulder.

“Why not?”

“Look how ugly it is.”

“Mate, it’s fine on the inside.”

“Nah nah it’s no good. Chuck it out.”

Nathan waited until the boy left and then put the banana back in his bag. It was time. His heart pounded as he approached the gymnasium. The other boys who had voluntarily signed up stood on the stage shoving each other and hyping the crowd. They garnered laughter and popularity points.

Principal Stewart stood at the microphone and gestured to the teens beside him. He lauded them as young, selfless and generous. He announced that they had raised $1471 between them for cancer research. “Let the games begin”, he concluded. Feeling chuffed he knew some pop culture the kids would enjoy.

Each boy took his place on the plastic chair in front of the crowd, gasping and cheering with every move of the razor. The nominated teacher, Mr. Delfavaro, relished the task and shaved their heads like a sinister cartoon.

Nathan was left to last. Word spread fast that Nathan had volunteered that morning. He was well-known and had the longest hair. He would be the main event.

“Alright Nathan, you ready to lose your mop?”, Mr. Delfavoro turned to him and gestured to the empty plastic chair.

Nathan forced a grin and took his place. The seat was warm and slightly wet. Before he had time to react, the shaver buzzed to life and the crowd of students roared. He felt a hand gently push his head down and the razor tips touch the back of his neck. It glided up straight through the middle of his head, once, twice, three times before he felt the cool air on his scalp. Looking like he’s had a lawnmower run over him. Suddenly he thinks of his dad, ‘this must be what it feels like to look like him.’

Mr. Delfavoro pauses before working on the sides and Nathan’s mind returns to the gymnasium. He could again hear the crowd, the taunts teachers had allowed, and knew they would get away with it.

“Shave his hairy arms as well”, one boy shouts.

“Yeah, and don’t forget his legs”, Jerome adds.

Finally Nathan felt the hair drop from around his ear. That’s when the crowd changed - suddenly he was hearing unfamiliar voices, the jokes coming from people in different grades. Strangers who felt entitled to his humiliation.

When he finished, Mr Delfavero told Nathan to look up and let everyone see his marvelous work. Nathan could feel the heat of everyone’s attention on him. He felt his body betray him and shrink the plastic chair under the weight of the room. Everyone else was in hysterics; the girls that Nathan thought he could ask out, those who had never noticed him, even the teachers couldn’t hide their smirks. Some even held their stomachs in laughing pain.

He tenses his jaw and sits up straight, soaking in all the abuse. He even attempts to laugh. Then, with his two big ears sticking out, Nathan held tight to what little control he had and left the stage.

***

Nathan survived through the rest of the day. When three o’clock came he decided he wasn’t going to catch the school bus home. He would rather a long walk to catch the public bus than suffer his peers any longer.

He walked alone, able to be swallowed entirely into the nightmare of his day. The words and laughter rung in his ears on an endless loop. He felt his truth pushing to burst from his eyes and chest. He began running to the park and searched for somewhere to hide. His eyes settled on a group of trees and bushes at the back of the park. He threw his school bag to the ground, took his jumper off, smothered it into his face, and let everything that had built up come pouring out - and god did it feel good. He stayed hidden between the trees and the timber fence to someone’s backyard, soaking his jumper in his pain.

Finally, he lifted his head and heaved with the relief of every tear having fallen. He heard a thump behind him and spun in a panic. No one was there. He looked at the ground for clues and discovered a pear lying in the dirt. Above him, the branches of a pear tree hung over the fence.

He then realised that pears were scattered all around him. Hidden in the shade of the trees, no one would ever find them. They were left to rot away. He looks at the forgotten fruit and notices the ants around them, carrying pieces of the fruit away. Even the ugliest of the pears were covered in moving black dots. Bruises and blemishes didn’t make them less appealing to the ants.

Nathan watches them, hypnotised in their task. He almost didn’t hear his phone ring.

“Hello.” It’s Graham.

“Son, is everything okay? You should be home by now.”

“Yeah, I’m just in town. I’ll catch the public bus home.”

“Alright, be safe.”

“Will do, thanks dad.”

Nathan puts his phone back in his pocket and glances at the ants once more. He picks up his things and leaves the sanctuary that kept him hidden.