Convincing Confession.

Hey Mom. I never told you this before, but I'm afraid of living. I know that is something you would hate for me to say, but it's true. The day you got sick was the worst day of my life, and I know you know that. I felt alone and scared, but most importantly, I felt lost thinking about losing you. I pushed you away, which hurt you; I never meant to do that.

Ever since then, life has become a storm of feelings. I was depressed for 3 years, and I didn't eat much. Then, finally, I would survive on one piece of bread and stay locked up in my room. But I never told you; I never wanted you to feel bad.

Living has become hard for me; I look at you and Dad and how in love you are with one another. I fear I will never find that. I see how you live life with such joy. I fear I will never find that. I see how carefree the world is, and I'm afraid I'll never find that.

Sometimes at night, when I'm sad, I wish to disappear. Life has become increasingly terrifying. I even start crying or shaking when I think of the future.

But today, I'm afraid of life for a completely different reason.

I'm happy.

I've never felt this happy.

I'm afraid that life will take this away from me. I'm worried that all the pain and suffering will come back. I'm so scared to fall back into the dark hole I was in for so long.

You have always been resilient and happy, even in your darkest moments. I want to find that in life, I want to be able to live through something terrible and still have light inside of me. As I live through the rest of my life, I fear I will miss out on things that may cause me pain.

I fear I will miss on heartbreak because I am afraid of losing someone I love. I fear I will miss adventures because I might regret them. Lastly, I fear I will not live, so I can keep my happiness.

I try to hold on to my happiness until it runs out. But, unfortunately, I fear it will run out sooner than I expect.

I hate fear; I really do. I want you to understand, but I know you have never felt this way. I know you have always loved life and have enjoyed it to the fullest. I know you care about sharing your life experiences, making them sound so joyous. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I will not find life cheerful.

I'm going to college soon, and I know that makes you sad. You have tried to shelter me from the world's pain, but I fear that the sheltering has made me scared. So I don't want to go to college; I want to stay home in a bubble. I want my version of me, who is writing this, to not leave. I like her; I like me.

I'm finally content with who I am; I finally found happiness in myself. If I leave, I will lose that, I will lose myself again, and I don't think I can do that again. So I want my life to stay on pause; I do not want to feel the world's pain again; I want to feel what I feel right now. I have never been a happier, I promise.

I need me to stay here. I need to leave. I need to live…

I'm okay, mom, really, I promise I'm fine.