Word of the Day:不眠症

I am really annoyed actually. I mean I think it is because I do feel like the Ether is sort of vacant from me right now. But maybe it is just because I am busy and having to doing like a 180 as far as my plans go.

I mean, I did have an algorithm push last night I was aware of. They were like, " She needs an asian man. " Just a bombardment of dating ads.

I mean, I did indulge a bit, but sort of absent mindedly, not really thinking of anything. Really just to pass the time...

I talked to Sebu, of course I was all attracted and horny but, knowing who he is, and also knowing what I am wanting, it didn't feel right. Also he wasn't able to come play last night. Though, basically due to this appointment today, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. But I am just like.. get this shit over with so I can plan for the weekend.

But the thing is... we probably shouldn't ever see each other again... If I am truly honest. I felt someone's love for him attached to him already. Hmm.. like a red string, I guess? But, that sort of connection isn't displayed like that to me in the Ether.

I also talked to Nam, but he really didn't talk to me. He is the last guy I was with so, I feel... it isn't a obligation but, more of a consideration of that, that I contacted him again.

I told him I was disappointed he just left.

" You're going to get me arrested. "

So, it means that he feels wrong being with me in some way, or he knows something I don't? Either way, I did tell him what I saw in the Ether. He just is fireflies. It is very odd. I sort of deduced he was a homonculus but, maybe he just converted his spirit into some sort of digital server or something?

It is creepy, you know? That is basically what Ai is doing to our consciousness. It is uploading it to the internet. Even the organic state of spirit is feeling defiled now.

That brings me back to when I told him, his job stole mine. I don't know if he has any consideration of that. I don't know what he feels. We're both Aquarius so like I said, it feels like spiritual incest and almost sterile? It is very odd.

So, why do I still talk to him?... Actually, he reached out to me. I don't know where his interests lie with me. I mean even if he is like a "player" or something, he does it in a very weird way, it feels disarming.

I read all the papers in his backpack. I actually think he might be a teacher. He had several other people's papers so... maybe it is this? Maybe he is avoiding saying this. He keeps saying he is a PHD student, but I think he is actually in a teaching position and maybe that is why he is feeling some sort of ways.

It feels like a perfect play; whenever we are together, it is feels so superficial. Like a husk of whatever a "relationship" would be.

But we both like stimulation so, we keep entertaining this. It is like, I can picture us in our 60's just sort of continuing easily like this, but it almost has no meaning at that point, right? Like a lipid occupation of space.

But I have to be honest, I don't know everything that is happening, especially outside of this room. I also don't know how he sees me, I think I have seen some really light frustration within him, but... I find it comical?

I don't think I should play with his green fire.

Yes, I consider what would benefit him, but I think that is my natural inclination rather than a conscious choice.

He is handsome anyway, but looks aren't everything, you know?