Build Stronger Bonds: 3 Simple Secrets To Gentle Parenting Through Empathy, Connection, And Collaboration

Parenting is not just about today, it’s about who our children will become.

**Three Easy Steps to Relationship First Parenting**

“The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn’t permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness. We’re so worried about spoiling kids that we often end up over controlling them.”― **Alfie Kohn, [Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason]

Do you want to raise kids who are obedient or who value themselves and others?

Society definitely values obedience, but what do you value? Are you ready to parent a child who expresses their opinions but also listens to others? Do you want a relationship first and always?

Non-coercive, relationship first parenting seems to contain a million rules, but it’s three easy strategies.

**Connection First**

Before kids will listen to us, we have to connect with them.

For little kids, this is joining them in play. For teenagers, it’s understanding their video games and friends and the new language. If you don’t know what a sigma rizzler is or why Skibiddi toilet is fascinating, ask your teenager, because I don’t understand. Don’t have a cow man! It’s totally rad to hang loose.

If you don’t jump into their world, you’ll never know them. It will be uncomfortable occasionally. I was a never a fan of playing barbies on the floor, but I do love when my adult child comes home and shares their day. This connection is a side effect of my hours of recreating the Cinderella story in the plastic castle we owned.

What does your kid enjoy?

**Validation is understanding**

People long to be seen and/or heard.

You must listen. And what’s more, show you understand what they say and need. And feel. According to Michael S. Sorenson in his book, I Can Hear You, validation is identifying the feeling someone is having and understanding the justification for that feeling.

Validation does not mean you agree with the person’s feeling or belief. It’s absolutely ridiculous to me to get upset about a video game or the cup color. To my teenager, the video game is important. To your 2-year-old, the green cup is the most special.

When I was a kid, my favorite aunt visited and accidentally left this spoon with stars on the handle. I fought with my brother for that spoon because it was connected to my aunt. No one understood why it was special, nor did they ask. So they created rules and boundaries about this spoon. What I longed for was to be close to my aunt.

If someone had sought to validate me, all those fights could have been avoided.

Listen to your kids. See what they see. Validate their feelings as more important than yours.

Collaboration Success

Humans need other humans to survive.

Imagine if every relationship had the goal of working together. If instead of imposing solutions, the people around us sought our input and ideas. If we sought collaboration instead of obedience.

Collaboration comes after listening because you must know the problems to find a solution. Besides listening to your child, you must understand your own concerns. Are you seeking to control or to guide? What needs of yours aren’t being met?

Collaboration takes longer. Our world wants fast, that’s why we value obedience. We just want our kid to jump into bed and fall asleep without us being there. To turn off the game when we demand and unload the damn dishwasher. And for our kids to never hit, drink, smoke, or swear.

Guiding a human who cares about others takes cultivation. You don’t throw seeds on the ground and demand they grow by tomorrow. So it is with humans. You get to know them, you listen, and you allow them agency to propose solutions that affect their lives.

We imagine ourselves as little people and find solutions for them.

Okay, my kid is crying about the green cup and it’s lost. They want to feel they have chosen the cup, so if I lift them to pick a cup they may feel in control.

**Isn’t This Permissive?**

Permissive parenting has no guidance.

In the collaboration parts of gentle parenting, we guide kids.

Mainstream parenting seeks to control. But it’s often like a boss who tells you all day what you are doing wrong without ever explaining what corrections will solve the problem. How long will you succeed if you only hear rejection?

Non coercive parenting about a relationship rather than power.

Through listening, connection, and collaborating, we can help kids become independent and also work with others. The skills they need for happiness and success.

Parenting is not just about today, it’s about who our children will become.