advice
It takes a village to raise a family; advice and tips to make the most of yours.
Family is a choice
My entire life has always been a battle between my family and me. I was never the quiet, gracious young lady my siblings and my mom wanted me to be. Growing up, my household was very loud, as far from gracious and quiet as you could get, so to me it's no wonder I became a loud, boisterous person. Growing up I had 2 out of 8 siblings who would even talk to me. To the rest-I was quite literally invisible and had no existence. I was not talked to or included in anything and often snubbed because of my age and later in life my choices when I unexpectedly became a mom at 16. I have struggled for years with the questions of "why do they hate me so much?" "why do they pretend I don't exist?" and "why do they talk badly about a sister they never see or talk to?". A year and half ago, I finally was cut free from my violent, abusive ex-husband-finally able to save myself and my kids from more harm. Yet, this is the moment my siblings chose to ask, in my opinion the stupidest question of all time. "Why didn't you just leave? It's not that hard." For years, I have suppressed the urge to snap back, "well when I have no siblings who actually care what happens to me and my kids, just where did you think we were supposed to go?" Well the past few months, it has repeatedly come to my attention that my siblings have been making comments to my parents and my friends, that my choices in life have been all wrong, that I need to grow up and just be that gracious, quiet young lady and everything in my life would be great. Yeah, as if life was that simple. They have not ever known or cared of the burdens I carry or the pain I deal with every day. Yesterday, my blood aunt told me I was a horrible mom, who lacked the basic skills in cleaning (thanks aunty for calling me stupid), and told me I needed to take responsibility for what happened with my ex-husband and stop trying to blame him and everyone else for what happened. I have never felt so lonely, and hurt, or unloved and humiliated all at the same time. I came home and spent 2 days crying, wishing I had a different family who showed understanding and compassion. My dad adopted me when I was 3 years old. He is not my blood dad, but he is every bit my father as one can be. He has always stood by me and cared for me, helping me and my children and right now he is the only family I feel I have. Essentially, I have created a group of family members who are more like my sisters and brothers and grandparents, than any of my blood siblings will ever be. The pain, however, that it has caused inside has erupted like a volcano and I cannot ignore it any longer. I have to completely draw a boundary with my blood siblings that I no longer wish for them to have any part of my life going forward. Their treatment of me has sprinkled on down to my own children-being treated as if they are outcasts and invisible as well. I have learned that sometimes family we are born to can be more toxic than any people we meet out in the world and sometimes it is ok to let go of those relationships-despite how difficult and painful it is. Moving forward in my life, I need those who will love me and my children, support us when things are hard and not constantly tell us to change who we are so we can be the perfect vision of who they want us to be. I am sure there are countless others who have experienced this same type of environment and I am writing tonight to say that you are not alone, it is ok to move on in life without these toxic relationships and always remember family is not who we are born to: it's who we find in life that we would die for. My top list of candidates for this: my Dad, my best friend, 4 of my blood siblings, my adopted grandparents, and all of my children. These are my true family and those I would gladly take a bullet for. Just remember who you are and don't compromise that for ANYONE. I won't because I AM ME.
By marion scott5 years ago in Families
What I've Learned from Parenting
Parenting is the hardest job in the universe. Yes, I am convinced it is harder than deep-sea fishing, exploring space, performing brain surgery, or any other job you want to offer up as a contender. Do you know why? Because from the minute that screaming little bundle of joy pushes its way into the world, your life will never be yours again. Every hour, every minute, every second of every day is now a never-ending devotion towards your greatest creation. There are no sick days, no vacation days, and paid time off? Yeah, right.
By Emily Flanagan 5 years ago in Families
Gummy Chronicles
Gummy chronicles: I’m sitting here watching tv and my son yells and grunts from the kitchen. He was eating an Italian sausage and the bun broke. I asked him what was wrong and he told me his bun broke and he hates that. My first instinct was to tell him, well eat it anyway because I’m not wasting a bun. He said “That sucks!” But then the weirdest thing happened. I realized that does suck and I wouldn’t want to be stuck with somebody telling me I couldn’t get another bun. I imagined how I would feel in his situation. I chose to give him some of the power in that moment. I as a parent dont have to have all of the power in the “relationship”. Because that’s exactly what it is, a relationship. Think of how you would feel if somebody you were in a romantic relationship always had all the power. Told you when to eat. What to eat. What to wear. When to bathe. Imagine you rarely ever got to make a decision. Would you enjoy or want to be in that relationship? You could only imagine that type of relationship having a lot of arguing right? Lots of crying and anger? Sound familiar? COMPASSION! I, in that moment, expressed compassion for my child. Compassion that had never been given to me I realized.
By Tiffany Miles5 years ago in Families
Parents Can't Win Arguments
There is no winning an argument with a teen There is a fourteen year spread between my oldest daughter and her half-sister and half-brother. After divorcing her alcoholic father when she was two, I didn’t remarry for nine years. I had managed to get me and her through the toddler and preschool years from two through five and into kindergarten at that point. I was pretty smug, thinking I'd figured successful parenting out. Boy was I in for a shocking surprise! Early childhood and adolescence were only the beginning.
By Jerrie DeRose5 years ago in Families
A Deep Understanding
His leg bounced nervous as he stared at his phone, waiting for that call that would notify him that he’d won. He’d gone as far to tell his mom he didn’t feel good so he didn’t have to go into school. His mom, being the cool person that she was, let him skip, though she could probably see right through his lie.
By Allison Schafer 5 years ago in Families
Avoiding Baby Mama or Baby Daddy Drama with your Ex
Breaking up with someone and staying civil is hard enough when it's just between the two of you, but when a child is involved, it can be a bit dicey. Having spent the past decade as a parent working with an ex to raise a child, these steps have made it easier to focus on what matters most-- our child.
By Robin Jessie-Green5 years ago in Families
Don't Let "The Real Life Monopoly Game" Ruin Your Child's (or Your) Creativity
My dad I and were discussing the other night the way the cruel old world has a way of just grinding up a lot of people and spitting them out of the other side. We got to talking and both feverishly agreed the Monopoly game that is life destroys most people's creative side of their whole personality.
By Travis McDonald5 years ago in Families
