Reasonable application of force

ShitMyJediDoes - Posted by u/ICantSeeShitInThisHelmet 7 hours ago

Hi, everyone. Long-time lurker here, first-time poster. My squad and I are stationed on Coruscant, and like most of you, we’ve been assigned to protect a Jedi. The idiot looks like he’s shaved maybe once in his entire life, and acts like he’s somewhere between the ages of ten and born yesterday. We’ve been working with him for almost six months, and honest question, how do you all prevent your Jedi from accidentally killing themselves? Not even joking. I will listen to any suggestions that are offered. To drive home why I’m asking this, here’s what happened this past morning. Keep in mind: something like this happens almost daily.

We were in a troop carrier yesterday flying mid-level in the Dockyards district, when Mr. Jedi pops out of his seat like a blasted Nal Huttan rabbit. I know damn well he was strapped in a moment beforehand too, since I’d just done another check and confirmed his child-lock restraints myself. Not my first rodeo; had those installed specially for him. Not that it made a difference. I’ll give these guys one thing: their reaction times are off the fucking charts.

Anyhow, so my Jedi just bolts out of his seat, restraints flying back apparently by themselves, blabbing something about him sensing great evil. Sticks was up in the cockpit, and he yelled back something about how the only great evil he sensed was last night’s dinner. I wasn’t paying too much attention at that stage because my Jedi—in the space of about two seconds, mind you—had activated the rear hatch, and with a cry of “With me!” flung himself out of it.

No anti-grav harness, no Mandalorian booster pack, no nothing. Just flung himself out into thin air. Without even mentioning right of way laws, do you know how many levels of anti-grav cars, lorries, and general spacecraft there are between the middle of Sill’s Landing and the pedestrian walks? I had to look it up later. It’s Eighty-seven. Eighty. Fucking. Seven.

Thank the ancestors I had a techy on my squad who knew what he was doing. I’d slapped the trigger on my bracer before our charge was even out of sight, and the collision chip Sledge had embedded in the Jedi’s lightsaber activated no trouble at all. I got Sledge to sneak that in there after the second time our Jedi pulled this particular trick on us a few weeks ago. Tells the navigation systems of nearby vehicles to slow down or speed up just enough that he can fall through them without imitating a bug on a windshield. Worth every single Republican credit we spent on the damn thing. I’m sure the idiot thinks he’s using the Force or some shit.

That done, I locked my mag-boots to the shuttle’s deck plates and pipped Sticks on the radio. Bastard flings us through the most beautiful skew turn you’ve ever seen before sending us after the Jedi like a drunken meteor. Sucker may have had a collision chip to keep him “safe”, but we certainly didn’t. Shuttle lost some paint on the way down, but Sticks did it. Damned if I know how.

A second after our skids touched asphalt, I was out the hatch with my head on a swivel. As I’m sure you all know, if you let your Jedi out of your sight for more than five seconds, they’re liable to be kidnapped, assassinated, or do something stupid like look at the bright end of their lightsaber while it activates. I was not in the mood for that kind of paperwork. Turns out I didn’t have to worry this time, because that son of a bitch is sitting on top of five unconscious bastards with more horns than they’ve got arms, not twenty feet away, grinning at me like a newborn that just shit itself. Kicks his head at me and says “Try to keep up next time, old man. The Force waits for no one!” Sticks had to keep me from throttling the living daylights out of the boy.

‘The Force’. Fah. I’ll show him the force of my Republican-issued boot up his ass if he keeps pulling shit like this. Please, does anyone have any suggestions? I’m at my wits end.