The Sad Clown of the Zodiac

Into the world we enter into a sea of uncertainty. The harsh world is a shock from the comfort of floating in the womb. Spending our time wiggling our toes and rocking to sleep to unpredictable movement and distant sounds.

These sounds are loud and the lights are jarring but we cry for the first time and the water that spills from our eyes feels natural. The warmth of human touch feels safe and the steady heart beat is home.

As we grow we find that our world molds to our thoughts. Our living room with smoke billowing from an ashtray becomes the misty mountains where we are searching for gorillas and avoiding poachers. The yard is a jungle and the trees our home. Forts and fairy houses. Caterpillars and snails. Our stuffed animals are our best friend.

We feel the emotions of others and start to find our feelings change when we enter rooms where people are grieving or where tension is high. We notice these changes, taking note and storing the information to make sense of it all. Our own emotions can be hard to manage. We often wonder why others' hearts do not not break for the injustice of it all.

We want others to join us in our imaginative world through the grass where the daffodils and daisies look so happy and the stream becomes an ocean and the possibilities seem endless. We desperately want others to see through our wide eyed lens. However we soon realize that we cannot take the pain away from those around us and this small fact hurts the most. We act silly, sometimes ridiculous hoping for happiness and joy from others.

We stumble through adolescence feeling like a child in a world that does not make sense. Music and movies and art are our solace. We listen intently to our peers and try to understand each unique experience storing it away into categories that only make sense to us. There are many tears in our bedrooms, in the shower, in the forest. We paint our face and joke around, forever making fun of ourselves to distract others from our doubts.

Adulthood comes too quickly. We try to drown the imagination and the intuition in festival crowds and darkened bars with sounds that make our eardrums burn. We long to have it together and fight to not escape completely because there is so much to do. We flirt with danger feeling bold behind our imagined characters. Others ask how we are when our eyes tear up; we laugh loudly and tell wild tales of our adventures. Collecting smiles and painting a carnival.

Growing older the pressure is still far more than desired. Not wanting to rule the world but to just like our environment we soldier on. However we realize we can steal away more time to escape to the beach to the garden even a thrift store. With a book or paintbrush or a pen. We can make children laugh, offer a shoulder to cry on to those in need. Trusting our intuition that has got us this far. Opening folders of knowledge that we tucked away. We are no longer shocked by the pain around us. We notice the small things, the beauty in the everyday.

We have swam upstream long enough. It is time to be comfortable with our piscean nature. The strong feelings guide us, the escapism is our rest and the smiles are our own. Nostalgic, romantic and a little bit tacky in our true self. Not trying to fit in or set the trend. Simply realizing the noise can be ignored when needed.

We can take off the mask now. The show is over.