6 Steps To Get Over Your Ex

If you know that you’ll *eventually* be over your ex, why not make that time now?

I know exactly how it is. When I broke up with my ex-fiance of five years, I was a wreck. I didn’t know when I’d start feeling better and I was convinced that feeling my emotions would destroy me (overdramatic much?).

I coped by distracting myself with dating new people to fill that empty space. I had never spent long single before, so I figured that moving on meant being with someone new. All I wanted was to skip ahead to the part where I felt better.

(Little did I know that moving on has nothing to do with my relationship status).

It obviously backfired. I ended up getting my heart broken again and now I had to process not one, but two shattering heartbreaks.

I’ve had my dark night of the soul (or maybe several?). My amazing, incredible friend M. had more than one late night, tearful phone call as I struggled with the heartbreak.

I decided I didn’t want it to be this way anymore. This was it — I was going to get over my ex, change my unhealthy patterns and never ignore red flags again.

It was time to change.

1. Feel Your Feels

Step one, I was going to let myself feel the feels. I would usually distract myself with someone new and numb my feelings by overdosing on first-date butterflies. I spent more time alone. I let myself actually cry instead of purposely avoiding thoughts of my past.

2. Learn Then Stop Ruminating

Learn what you can from the past, but after the first couple weeks, stop ruminating and beating yourself up. You already learnt what you needed. There is no mystery to solve. No detail that you missed that will change your whole perspective if you can only remember.

When I found myself ruminating in circles on my past relationships, I repeated to myself that I would look back on those chapters with thankfulness and grace for myself and others — no more beating myself up over what I could have changed. I hired a coach to help me reconnect to my intuition and reestablish the self-trust that I had broken.

3. Decide

Decide that you want to feel better. You have to decide that this is how it gets to be for you. Too often, we tell ourselves stories about how “how it is for me” that kick us when we are down. For example, “I ruin my relationships; this is how it is for me”, or “I always fall for the emotionally unavailable guy; this is how it is for me.”

How about no? How about deciding that is gets to be better for us? How about deciding that is gets to be easy? How about deciding that you get to live a full life?

Say to yourself: I get to get over my ex, change my unhealthy relationship patterns, and never ignore red flags again. This is how it is for me.

I decided it was going to be easy for me and with that decision, I started choosing me. I still choose me. Every day. I choose myself now, and I’ll keep choosing me. Period.

4. Rewrite Your Story

There are stories that paint you as a victim, there are stories that paint you as a villain. Don’t believe them. Anger, guilt, confusion do not free you. Everyday, I choose new stories that respect me, and everyone involved. By doing so, I allow myself to let go of the anger, guilt and confusion.

5. Get Excited

Get excited about the future that you get to create for yourself. You have a blank page. You thought you would have a certain kind of life with them, and I get that you are mourning the loss of those plans, but now you can dream even bigger. I chose to get excited for my future over wishing I could return to the past.

The future arrived fast. I started feeling grateful for the lessons and who I was becoming. I am now so glad that I made the decisions that I did. I see that it all added up and I fucking love my life right now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

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I accept that life is not all sunshine and rainbows 100% of the time because that is what the human experience is. There’s a reason why we watch sad movies. It’s good to feel things. But when the movie ends, it’s time to move on. And if you hated the movie… Dude. Stop watching it over and over.

All the people I respect the most have come through their own storms. I’m so grateful for mine.

Send this to a friend who needs to know they’re not alone and that they can get over their ex quicker than they think!

Originally posted on Medium, October 24, 2020.