Dear Gianna

Q: I have been in a great relationship for 2 years. We love each other and get on incredibly well. It is the best relationship I’ve ever had. We understand each other, communicate well, and share the same values and goals. Yet every time I think about the possibility of moving in together or getting married, I feel a lot of anxiety. I want things to stay the way they are. I don’t understand why I’m so scared to progress when I love him so much and am so happy with him.

A: I cannot tell you exactly why you are scared of progressing in your relationship, but when you asked me your question, I instantly thought of “The Fear of Freedom”, a short book by philosopher Erich Fromm, a social psychologist and philosopher who explored how modern society’s focus on individual freedom can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation and anxiety.According to Fromm, as humans, we desire both freedom and belonging, and the two can feel contradicting at times.

In modern society, we don’t live in tribes, and our roles and responsibilities are no longer strictly defined. We are, in a sense, freer than we’ve ever been, with a vast array of possibilities as to what we can become. I think we all agree that freedom is of course positive, but is it possible that it might paralyses us: if the responsibility of what I do and what I become is entirely mine, then what if I make the wrong choice and cause unhappiness to myself and others?

Basically, the freedom opens us to what Kierkegaard calls “the dizziness of freedom". The Danish Philosopher used this term to describe the overwhelming feeling of anxiety that can come with having too many choices. While we want to be free and independent, we don’t want to be alone. As humans, we naturally desire individual actualisation and belonging. In the past, societal expectations often dictated that marriage was a necessary milestone, but today we have more freedom to choose whether or not to marry. Which is why we find it paralysing: will my choice lead to happiness or despair?

I wonder which choice would be made in "bad faith" for you: staying in your current situation or progressing in your relationship?

What is bad faith you wonder? It's how Sartre describes a state where individuals deceive themselves to avoid the anxiety of making genuine choices: not wanting to make difficult choices we lie to ourselves pretending we have no control over circumstances. When we do that, we live inauthentically.

For you to be your authentic self, you will have to make a choice. Only when you accept your freedom and the necessity to make an authentic choice that aligns with your true values will you realise your full potential.

Reflect on this: are you scared to progress and commit because you are afraid to make the wrong choice? Or do you want to continue living alone because it aligns with your values?

If you are contemplating marriage and children because society, your family, or even your partner expects you to do so, you are living inauthentically. If you don’t want to progress because you are scared of the consequences, you are also living inauthentically. You will realise your authentic self when you base your choice on your true values and beliefs.

The only person who can tell you why you are so anxious to progress is yourself. Are you living in the past, basing your present relationship on bad experiences with previous partners? Or are you living in the future, fearing any action that might bring disappointment to yourself or others?

I will leave you with a quote by Kierkegaard that seems written for you:

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, and you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way.”

Look inwards and choose what your heart truly wants.