Forgiveness, Love & Tax Collectors

I haven’t written anything in awhile, some would say maybe that’s because I don’t have much to say. I believe the more truthful answer is, I have too much to say and not enough answers.

My life has been continuously filled with ups and downs, as it is for most people I believe. Sometimes, there are much longer periods of downs and we begin to feel, as if, there will never be another up. I know that’s where I have been for quite sometime now, but I have never lost hope, that this too shall pass. I know in these moments, when we feel the tide leave, worried it will never return; we SHOULD lean towards the tide with the faith it will come back. I’ve been sitting in the sandbar for sometime now, and it’s become nothing but a desert. But, here I sit. Waiting.

For longer than I care to admit, I’ve been blaming myself, chastising myself and feeling utterly worthless. I know these are lies, I know these are fed to me by the enemy. But that’s the thing about the enemy, it picks the perfect people in your life, to sow these seeds in you. To make you believe YOU are the problem. YOU are the cause of your pain. It picks the people you should be able to lean on and believe in, the people you trust.

I’ve been lead to believe it is my fault that X did this, or Y responded that way. I have been lead to believe that my actions of love and concern are damaging, that my priorities are skewed. That my works and my Faith are simply a delusion. That I am unworthy of being cherished and loved.

I know in my heart these things are simply, not true. I know that I am worthy, not worthless, that I am loving and kind, and above all else, self sacrificing. I know that my actions continuously match my character. I know that I should be the same level of priority that I hold others on, but not to expect anything from them.

However, I also know that I could be better. I could be more compassionate to the ones that are not compassionate towards me and that in reality I am owed nothing for what I freely give them. I also know, I do not need to keep them around any longer. I have the choice to label you a tax collector and love you from afar, but to heal I must forgive. So to that I say, I forgive you. I forgive you for not loving the way I love, or truly loving me at all. I forgive you for manipulating my good intentions. I forgive you for placing blame on me for your actions. I forgive you for hurting me, repeatedly, with these actions. But, even more importantly I am forgiving myself. Forgiving myself, for believing that I wasn’t worthy, that I wasn’t priceless. That I was weak and I should have been stronger. I forgive myself for loving people whole heartedly, only to see they wanted to harm not prosper me. I forgive myself for ever believing I deserved to be treated in such away.

I have no answers for why, when I love, I am not cherished. I have no answers for why it is so easy to hurt me, when all I want is to lift up people. I have no answer as to why I can’t just turn off my love and compassion like normal people do. I will never have the answer for how someone you love so deeply can willing take away parts of your worth until you are left empty and then become angry at your pain. As if your pain, they have caused, is a burden to them.

I have no business, associating with tax collectors. I have no business spreading the Word, and giving my love to people who reject it. If it falls on deaf ears, let it.

I have no answers, but I do have love.