Growing up Gay

I am currently planning my move across the country to a more progressive area, and I have reflected on my time in the south and the aspects of myself I hide for my own safety. Even in 2020 I still avoid holding my girlfriend's hand in some public places. I notice the looks of disapproval, and I feel obligated to chip away at my character to make others comfortable.

I grew up in Oklahoma in a hyper-religious household. Early on I observed that my family was not okay with people in the LGBT community. My aunt was a lesbian, and they often referred to her girlfriends as "friends." I was encouraged to dress girly; my family always asked if I liked a boy at my school. I was taught that I would grow out of wanting to wear more masculine clothing. I dismissed so much of myself, spending so much time hiding from my sexuality. When I was in second grade, I was in a class with a girl that challenged my moral code. I found myself wanting to impress her; I wanted to be around her and went out of my way to make myself interesting to her. I justified this to myself as a girl crush that everyone experienced, and I was, in fact, straight. A girl crush, it was the only reality I would accept and I fed myself this delusion for my entire life.

I did not allow myself to explore the idea of being a lesbian until I was 18 years old. I was placed with a roommate for my freshman year of college. She was immediately my best friend, and her smile made my heart race. I was paralyzed in fear but also too infatuated to ignore what I was experiencing. I began to react out of frustration from my inner conflict and push her away. She fought back against my antics and alleviated my shame, filling my heart with warmth. She brought me into her family, where it was okay to be who I was. It was jarring to be in an environment that welcomed me. It opened up a yearning I did not know I had, and it also shined a light on the mistreatments I had endured growing up.

It was a challenge to overcome my shame and truly bask in the love that was blossoming. Love is a beautiful thing, and many people go years without finding it. Hiding that part of my life and letting others' expectations eat away at me was incredibly destructive. Being born as a minority of society is terrifying, and still, I notice the looks of disgust when I hold her hand in public. But, these occurrences only make me more confident. Life is meant to be lived, not watered down to make yourself easier for others to swallow. I grew my self-conviction, my outlook on the world. I learned that the content of someone's character does not rely on who they choose to sleep with. If I let everyone who had an opinion on how I should live control my life, I would be miserable. Breaking the chains of society's pressure vindicated me and added peace to my life.

Being singled out, ridiculed, and out casted only makes the relationship sweeter. It's made us crusaders in our own teen novel. I appreciate my life and the luxuries afforded to me. I worry about how society will punish my child for having two moms. I worry about offending the wrong person and being attacked. Yet, I have love; it's transformed my life and continues to shield me from the negativities of the world. I hurt for the version of myself who was still scared. Seven years old me who forced herself into a box for others to be at ease. I live openly for her, to remind myself and others that they are normal. They are beautiful.

I use my experience to help others feel validated in themselves. Whether they are a minority and face discrimination, LGBT, or a felon. Along with any other sector of society that has been tossed away and forgotten. These different groups correlate in the fact they are all the "undesirables." Dale Carnegie said the most prominent human want is the desire to be important. I am lavish in my praise and sincere in my support, and it allows me to lead from the back. I do not have to be a demanding force; I motivate people and steer them toward their goals by providing an environment where they feel comfortable exploring themselves. Sometimes to unlock someone's potential, you need to compliment them. Establish that they have at least one person who thinks they are talented, and their contribution to society is meaningful. It makes all the difference. It has improved my leadership style and enriched my life.