Memory Snapshot: Inner Core Wound Triggered

Memory Snapshot: Inner Core Wound Triggered (Draft version)

Friday February 21, 2025

I arrive to work super excited for work today. It’s approximately 2:55 p.m. when I’m due in at 3 p.m. I head back to the meat department to do my demo. As I enter the locker, I’m surprised to see no one in the locker except an older meat cutter who is finishing cleaning the locker. I greet him and he says: I’m glad to see you. Which coming from him it felt like performance.

You go back to the front to get a chair for your stand and on the way to bring it to your stand, you stop to say hi to the other lady in the meat department, Marin. At the same time, your manager comes over to you:

“Hey, we actually don’t need you to do the demo today. But Marin needs some help in lunch meat and cheese. What time did you end up staying last night anyway?”

Me: 8:30 (holding earlobe and rubbing it)

Manager: Did you ask permission from Hank to stay?

Me: Yes, I did. (still rubbing earlobe)

Cleans up demo stand and goes inside meat locker to retrieve a flat top. Notices that Elias is in there wrapping meat at the autowrapper. He’s in his usual meat locker cowboy get up. Dark jacket that makes him look tall and lanky, and his big black boots, with his green Evergreen Grocers shirt underneath, and possibly his name tag. His brown hair buzz cut covered by his hairnet.

Me(smiles): Hey Elias

Elias (His hazel eyes avoid my green ones and he keeps looking at the meat products): Did Claire talk to you about your hours?

That gets my attention. I stop moving the flat top and look directly at him.

Me: (Remembers I just saw Claire in the breakroom and she greeted me with her regular retail performative warmth).

“No, why?”

Elias: You can’t stay late tonight. Apparently, all the hours you worked last night go under the deli since you were doing their demo.

Me: (About to say something and Troy walks in out of nowhere)

Troy: Oh what happened? Did you get in trouble?

*Confused on why he decided to join this conversation*

Me: Apparently I’m not able to stay late anymore.

*Flashback to 6:30 p.m. on February 20, 2025*

I finished the demo and returned the aisle trash can when I noticed two customers waiting at the counter with no one helping them. Elias had his back turned to the window, wrapping and tagging meat. As I placed the trash can, he turned his head, saw me, and smiled. I walked into the meat locker and then over to the seafood counter to help the customers.

I help them and walk over to Elias: “Hope it’s okay if I did that. I hate to see people waiting at the counter. Plus I got about 30 minutes until I’m scheduled to leave so you got anything that needs to get done. “

Elias: smirks but goes,” Yeah you can stay I know you got bills to pay.”

Me: “I am extremely tired. I’ve been here since 9:30 this morning but since you asked nicely, I’ll stay. How late do you need me?”

In November 2024 on Black Friday, both an older meat cutter and Elias told me I could stay to finish up lunch meat and cheese since it wasn’t done much and needed to get done.

I asked them if I had to get a manager’s approval first since neither of them were managers, they said no. It should be fine because it had to get done.

The only reason I remember that is specifically because Elias and I had a conversation in front of the meat case about Black Friday shopping and he showed me his new cologne that his grandma had bought him that I said smelt like his grandma was trying to pimp him out.

Elias: “I’m not asking but you can stay as late as you want.” (So much for hearing me say I’m extremely tired. That’s neurodivergent code for I’m about to face burnout, homie. Well, I hope Elias is buckled in because a neurodivergent brain compensates for being tired by starting to ramble. It’s like we have the word vomit.

Me: If I’ve been here since 9:30, it’s going to flag me if I stay any later than 8.

Elias: Yeah right. Hey, I want to show you a new artist I’ve been listening to.

Me: *Gets excited because I LOVE music* Ooo, yeah, I’m intrigued.

*Plays Stick Figure*

Elias: They are called Stick Figure and their music really makes me feel mellow.

*listening so I can give a response that complements both him feeling more mellow and the style of music*

Me: Makes me want to sit on the….

Elias smiles: beach…

Me: With a margarita.

We both connect and feel mellow for a few minutes.

Elias: Those all need tags if you can weigh and tag them.

Me: Don’t you need someone to watch seafood?

Elias: We can both watch it as needed. Cole is working frozen right now but when he comes back, I’ll gaslight the shit out of him so he keeps working frozen.

Me: *Confused why he brags about gaslighting someone but just verbally says* Ok

Starts yapping his ear off and remembers hearing the manager talk about him openly in the meat locker earlier that day. The neurodivergent rule of friendship if they aren’t there to defend their name but you hear it mentioned, you should tell them what was being said.

Me: He said you are all over the place. In front of everyone in the meat locker.

*Thinking about that for a minute and realizing that he doesn’t look to be taking it well. Elias is talking to me but I’m actually considering that maybe he’s neurodivergent but doesn’t know it because to be all over the place is actually code for undiagnosed ADHD. Doesn’t share any of this with him. Not the time and I’m not a doctor. He just got unwarranted feedback about his work performance from me, and again wasn’t handling it well.*

Elias: Tomorrow I’m going to really lay into Ben when I see him.

We head out to the meat case as we both decide to check dates. Elias and I always had some of our deepest conversations in front of that meat case. It was as if we trusted that those cuts would conceal all we kept between us including breaking rules and staying late without manager’s approval.

Me: “If you ask me, Ben gets weird whenever you talk to me. He always seems to yell at you only when you are talking to me. Wonder why that is?”

Elias audibly gasps and his face turns white.

Elias doesn’t know that the day he cut his tendon on the sharpener, I specifically remember him standing with his chest out, and he was sharpening the knife super fast but he was looking over at me working seafood. I’m pretty sure that’s why he cut his finger but the first scar is always the deepest or whatever Sheryl Crow once sang.

Me: What date am I looking for to pull?

Elias answers in a mumble then looks at the meat in the case then goes, “No more taking extra shifts.”

Me: (Not knowing what to say as he was truly spiraling and I didn’t mean to put him in this unmellow state. I never told Elias this as often as we worked together but whenever he was in a bad mood, I could physically feel it in my own body, and sometimes it would make me sick. The same was true when he was super happy. My whole body felt like it was floating. It was rare and unofficially sponspored by Redbull and a cute girl walking by the meat case but it was amazing and not so amazing being an empath. Although really awkward being around someone who was horny when you weren’t. Ha!) “Yeah, I wouldn’t.” I decide to change the subject to something positive, “It will be 3 years of Sticks and Stones this Saturday. It went so fast.” I’m smiling like a proud book mom.

Elias: *looks at me like really, we are talking about this now I’m currently in crisis* How’s it selling lately?” His eyes zoom on my face and seem to change slightly by the way they slowly drop to my lips.

Me: (Overanimated but instantly comes back to earth) Sales have been slow but I’m super excited to put out my next one,” referring to the rewrite of a romance novel that I originally put out while still in high school.

Elias: (Deadpan) “Right, because you’re not selling and it makes sense to put out another.”

*Confused why he’s not riding the wave of excitement*

Me: “Plus, I didn’t even tell you. I’ve actually been applying other places. If Evergreen don’t want to give me hours, I will find someone who will.”

Elias: “Administrative? Don’t you need a degree for that?”

(Realizes he thinks I meant business administration not secretarial positions)

Me: (looking him dead in the eye) I have a degree, sweetheart

*Mind flashes back to back in October 2024 when he was stocking lunch meat and cheese on a Saturday, and I told him I had a marketing degree which includes managerial course credits and business administration. We were right now practically standing feet from the very spot. He said and I quote, “You have a degree? Then what are you doing here?”

*Remembers he’s in crisis so I forgive him for his lack of remembrance. *

Elias smirks at me calling him sweetheart.

His smirk reminds me that I didn’t tell him yet about my new project that he inspired with his meet cute with a girl in front of the meat case on October 3, 2024, the same day I had my first meltdown in the meat department.

Me: I’m working on a new project. It’s a psychological slasher romance based on working in this meat department.

Elias: (as soon as he hears romance his face goes white)” Oh ok that’s crazy.” His body bends forward halfway, and he laughs heartily from his diaphragm.

Me: (overanimated) I think Oh good, it’s working then externally say, “My main character is going to be part this actress, this character, and Glen Close in Fatal Attraction.”

Elias: *walks over to the middle of the meat case* Ben is texting me now” (Holds up his phone to show me a text but all I suddenly see is his girlfriend’s picture in the background. I never saw her before but he always talked about her as long as we worked together. Wow, I thought, She’s so pretty. Makes sense since Elias is handsome and charming.

Suddenly, I can’t seem to think of anything but the fact that he’s texting Ben. I begin to wonder if he’s texted him on other late nights and if Elias had mentioned to him that I was there assisting. I begin to feel anxious.

Elias heads back in the meat locker and I follow because I still have to tag those meat products.

I suddenly feel the urge to tell him about my love of skateboarding and Tampa Pro.

He just finished telling me his girlfriend got floor seats to a country artist coming up.

I think of her picture and how sweet that is and go, “She must really love you.”

These men need to hear that especially when they are ruminating on low-level criticism from retail managers.

Elias smiles.

I tell him I can write to the artist’s manager and get them VIP.

Elias: How will you do that?

Me: You contact the manager and I have press credentials so I am more likely to get a response.

Elias: (seems annoyed with me all of a sudden) Don’t you need a license for that?

Me: No, for publicity. I have nearly 10 years’ experience and a degree in it so no.

He starts tagging bones.

I suddenly have an idea that may cheer him up.

Me: “You like tattoos right?” (Also remembering his love of niche small events like truck shows)

Elias: Yeah (half-listening probably still internally sulking)

Me: You should come with me in April to the Tampa Pro. I get three passes so you could come to it with me if you want, I got one pass left. They have a tattoo artist doing tattoos right there. And omg, Elias, do you know what the Tampa Pro is?

Elias (please stop talking tone): No.

Me: “It’s a worldwide skateboarding contest filled with the best pro skaters from around the world and it happens right here in Tampa.

*Gets super close to him mostly so he can feel my excitement* And the energy in there is unmatched. It’s literally my favorite place.” I go back over to the scale where I am tagging bones.

Elias suddenly slams the box to the floor twice. The loud noise absolutely scares me

Then he holds both hands out to his side like he’s super frustrated, goes to the meat cutting block, and places the box on their before holding his phone to his ear, and beginning to play Stick Figure again before laughing manically. I laugh with him because the quick change from anger to laughter is situationally funny, and also something I’ve felt before. I don’t judge but instead say a quick prayer in the silence asking God to give him peace.

Although I suddenly get that sick feeling in my stomach, those anxious butterflies. My former best friend used to call him Frankenstein and suddenly, in that moment I can see why.

I begin talking about how I used to correspond with my favorite skater. “It’s a long story but he was super cute back in the day. He’s actually the inspiration behind the skater guy in my new forthcoming book.”

I start wheeling out the flattop with the tagged meat and bring it over to where it belongs on the shelves outside the locker.

Elias comes out and tells me that there is someone at seafood but goes, “Never mind. I got it. You just stay doing what you are doing.”

Elias was always good at recognizing that it’s hard for me to transition to a new task when I’m in the middle of a previous one. I enjoyed working late nights with Elias not only because he was a good conversationalist but I felt like I was finally learning things since the store was a bit less overstimulating, the department was less staffed(I loved the no managers part), and my brain typically peaked later in the day. Except it was basically shutting down today.

Me:* shelving the meat.*

Elias comes over all of a sudden and comes up next to me, “Ben won’t be here tomorrow night if you want to stay and help again since you need hours.”

*His eyes light up and a small smile creeps up on his face*

Me: (Considering) Maybe. Actually, I was thinking of going to this group event in Tampa to meet people.

Elias: (Intrigued) So you can get a boyfriend?

Me: *smiles from ear to ear as I knew that was the main narrative being said about me in the locker but to hear him say it aloud was confirmation, and lowkey annoying because why must a girl not be able to just exist to be seen as valuable*

“No, to make friends” I clarified. Weird that this 20 year old kid was so worried about my relationship status when I clearly wasn’t.

Elias: Suddenly realizes how he sounded, “I don’t mean to sound like an asshole. It’s just a question. You meet someone next thing you know you get a hotel and…”

Me: *Feels uncomfortable at the mention of casual sex. I start backing up and walking away before mumbling, “That’s not really my style.”

*walks back because I didn’t finish what I’m doing. Overwhelmed with emotion, I start to forget what date I’m looking for.*

Me: What date am I looking for again?

Elias suddenly gets annoyed with me.

“You can actually go home now and I can finish that.”

Me: *confused as I thought he understood that it causes me severe nervous system destabilization when I can’t finish a task I’m working on.* No, I’m almost done.

He heads back to the auto wrapper.

As I head back in a few minutes later, I look at my phone and it’s 8:30. Got 3 missed texts from my mom saying Here, Hello, if you don’t answer you can uber home.

I walk in then and say next to nothing to Elias as he still looks disturbed.

Me: I’m heading out.

Elias: Ok great. Have a good night.

Me: Have a good night. *Walks to the back door with my cup.*

And Elias?

Elias looks at me then and I look him dead in the eye and say, “Don’t beat yourself up.”

Present day:

Troy and Elias are confronting me on getting in trouble.

Troy just joined the conversation very clearly amused that I got in trouble for staying late.

Suddenly, I feel a little ganged up on.

Me: Well, that’s ok. Remember I have plans tonight anyway so now I can keep em.

Elias: She’s going to a ChristianMingle event tonight.

Troy and Elias laugh hysterically.

Playground during P.E. in 1996 (I’m six):

Ms. Hopper’s first grade class just got told we get free time to roam.

I am standing on a spot on the playground. I can’t remember what I’m wearing except around this age I had deep pink colored classes that I had to wear all the time, and I had a mop of bright dirty blonde hair.

My friend Callie walks over to me. Her messy bun of light brown hair atop her head like an invisible crown of superiority and social status. No one could see it but I could.:

“Chelsea, we have something we want to say to you.”

All the girls in my class circle around me.

“Chelsea, nobody here is your friend.

You are ugly.

Nobody likes you and we don’t want to be your friend.”

February 21, 2025: Present day

As Elias and Troy laugh, I come back to the moment.

A moment which mirrors one from a traumatic one in my past.

Elias leans toward me on the short rack. He always did that almost like he was trying to intimidate me with the size of his jacket or something.

His arm is there and close so I swat it rather hard.

“Don’t be an asshole.”

The meat locker seems to reverberate my own voice back to me and I realize what I just did.

Elias stands up then and laughs again with Troy, then asks me,

“You wouldn’t sell me out, would you?”

Instantly, I want to crumble to a ball and cry.

I’ve done nothing but defend, give gifts to, encourage and motivate, even organize an outing to help him feel included, help out this kid by talking him through his thoughts specifically when he was feeling super anxious, even break the rules to do so, and he actually is asking me right now if I would throw him under the bus.

In front of Troy who goes back to seafood to assist customers right at that moment.

“Ben just asked me if I asked Hank for permission too. I said I did.”

Elias tone gets high pitched all of a sudden, “And why would you do that?”

God, did this kid need Nancy Drew right then or what. Maybe he’d finally get a clue.

I head out of the meat locker for a minute or two. Then, come back,

I aks Elias who looks like he just seen the ghost of a dead relative, “Are you ok?”

Naturally, my empathy leads the way even though I really am absolutely broken hearted that this kid couldn’t see how much I loyally cared for him as my friend. Question a neurodivergent’s loyalty and that was it. You are done with us.

Elias, “My back hurts.”

As he’s heading into the cooler, I actually remember Claire greeting me in the beginning of the shift, and go, “Funny how Claire seen me and didn’t even talk to me about my hours. She’s a manager. Only a manager should be asking me about that stuff. Very unprofessional of her, honestly.”

Elias realizes that I caught on to what was going on.

And goes, “Yeah” softly before heading into the cooler.

Later in the shift, I’m stocking and leveling but Elias comes to get me and asks me to watch seafood. I say sure and head over to the meat locker but as I’m heading toward the door, Elias is in the meat locker and Troy goes (practically blocking the door), “Hey I was just up front and noticed the bunkers need some of this product restocked. Can you go do that?”

*Confused why I’m being given one instruction while being told another within less than three minutes.*

“Oh, but Elias told me to watch seafood so I came to do that.”

*Hears Elias in the background* Huh? What’s wrong?

Troy: “I’m back now so just go ahead and grab the product and bring it to the bunker.”

As I come out of the dairy cooler with the box in hand, I see Elias and Troy talking in front of the meat case.

As I walk past, I hear Elias go, “She doesn’t learn.”

Yeah, I’ll show him who doesn’t learn.

For context, a deli manager in November 2025 told me in front of a kitchen full of employees, “How late were you here last night?

Me: *wondering why we were discussing this in front of the deli team and not privately in his office. Everyone knows neurodivergent people hate being heavily perceived and given feedback in front of other people.*

“I stayed late to help out in meat.” My voice suddenly sounds tiny in front of all those people, and in that big kitchen.

Manager: “Ok, it’s fine if they needed you in meat but next time you just need to ask a manager for approval first.”

Me: Nodding but feeling judged, “Ok.”

Yet, I thought, if I ask a manager for approval, they will send me home stating they had enough staff.

Later in the shift that Friday,

I am heading in the meat locker back door to get the key for the compacter.

Elias sees me reach my arm in, and his top half turns to face me, his torso stays turned toward the meat block where he’s cutting something of the pork variety.

“Hey, are you ok?”

Internally, I’m thinking, Like you care. You just basically black balled me and called me an unloyal rat all in the same breath. This meat locker never seen blood that color blue before. Was I in fact shot in the back by a young meat locker cowboy that day? Yes.

Was I going to let him see me wimper? Fuck no.

Externally, I state matter of factly, “Yeah, I’m good.”

Elias, his guilt speaking for him before he does, “Okay, good.”

He looks back at the door as I remove my arm and the key from the locker.