My Little Freya Sunshine

To my darling Freya,

As I write this, you are squiggling around on my lap, trying to fight sleep despite your eyes drooping through utter exhaustion. In the time it took me to type out that first sentence, I've had to stand up and bounce you twice -because a seated bounce is apparently insufficient - and rescue your dummy (that you very much want and cry for regularly!) from falling to the ground and disappearing into a pile of dust and dog hair. It's a long and awkward process, writing with an 8-week-old baby writhing around in your arms, but hopefully the effort I'm making will add an extra layer to the gratitude I am trying to express in this letter.

I could write pages and pages thanking you for making me the one thing I have always known, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to be: a mother. I could go on forever about how I finally understand my purpose in life. About how incredibly lucky I am to be able to call myself your mum. About how you have filled my heart with more love than I could have ever imagined. About how I fall for your Daddy every day, over and over again, because you have turned him into the most wonderful father. And I do thank you for these things, sweetheart. But I have a much bigger thank you in mind.

When you were born, I had no idea just how much light you would bring at such a dark time. Your Grampy has had a lot of health issues this past decade, and unfortunately, things have been worse recently. In the last two months, your Grampy has been admitted to hospital three times after a trip to A&E. Since your birth, he has spent a grand total of nine days at home, and we can count on one hand the number of times he’s met you. He's having tests and treatments and medication, but life is full of uncertainty and anxiety right now, not just for him, but our whole family.

Yet in the midst of all this worry, we have a beacon of joy: you. All it takes is a cuddle and I instantly feel better. A smile from you makes my entire day. When you look up at me with those big grey eyes, I feel my own eyes light up with love. You bring me a level of contentment I never thought I could know and fulfil me in a way I have dreamed of for many years.

But it's not just me. You bring happiness to everyone you meet. A stretch, a coo, a finger grab, these tiny actions have brought hundreds of smiles to dozens of faces. You make everyone's day better, just by being you.

I take a lot of photos and videos of you to send to Grampy, and they brighten up the toughest of times. He is struggling a lot right now, but a clip of you listening to Daddy's silly made-up songs not only puts a smile on his face, but it also gives him the strength to keep going when the nurse takes yet another blood sample, or the doctor has no good news to give him.

So, thank you, my little Freya sunshine. Thank you for being a shining light as life forces us into the shadows. Thank you for making us smile through the tears and giving us hope when hopelessness threatens to consume us. Thank you for motivating us to keep going, even when all we want to do is stop.

Quite simply, my love, thank you for being.

Love you always,

Mummy