People Pleasing

As a young adult, I found myself taking pride in how much I could do. I had, and have a lot of domestic skill, and can juggle a lot of things at once, where loved ones have more than once commented on how I tend to thrive when taking on the stress of others. I was very open about how I showed care and love through acts of service, and while I didn’t want to be ordered around constantly, I was happy being asked to do things, and getting them done quickly and efficiently.

Years passed, and finding myself in a truly healthy relationship, I have not only the desire, but space to do more personal exploration and introspection than I’ve ever had. It should go without saying that while this has been incredibly healing, some other things have taken some hard acceptance. Mostly, there’s been a good amount of hard acceptance.

For a very long time I declared how I showed love to be acts of service. It still is in many ways, but I had found that I was trying to do as much as I possibly could at all times for those I cared about. I was trying to do far more than most would for someone, taking things off of their plate, in hopes that it would mean an easier time for them, and more chance for us to spend time together later. My receptive love language was assumed to be quality time, because I always felt like I was fighting for any acknowledgement, from directly from my family, to the majority of my partners.

What I didn’t realize was that I was deep into people-pleasing tendencies because I thought I was actually happy with doing all of it. Realistically, I was ignoring the things that I wanted, and convincing myself that I could be content with whatever the other person wanted, because at least they were there. Doing everything in my home was a way to sometimes keep the peace, but even that wasn’t a guarantee, so I just had to learn to do more, be more productive, and do everything for everyone. I didn’t even think about it, and I even thought these were things I wanted after long enough time in some cases.

It wasn’t until I found myself in the position I am now, making progress professionally, as well as in a healthy relationship that I realized that it was incredibly difficult for me to actually know what I want more often than not, and even more difficult to vocalize it. Even approaching my relationship, when we were discussing what we needed, or our goals in the long term, I was speaking of the things that I had convinced myself that I wanted with a previous partner. I quickly learned that it wasn’t at all the only option, or even the one that I found the most real fulfillment in. There was a period of time that I was regularly in tears, struggling with the idea of not being able to know what I want, or if the things I might think I want are just anticipating what others would in order to keep the peace, or feel desired.

Luckily, that’s calmed down over time, and it’s still difficult for me to vocalize things, but every so often I find myself spurting out wants when I’m with my partner, knowing that I’m safe to do so, without any prompting. It’s been an odd thing to find myself capable of, after it not being the case for so long. While this was certainly one of the more uncomfortable changes, it wasn’t the biggest one. I’ve started to actually be able to decipher the things I actually want, rather than just wanting others to be happy for my own safety. It’s not perfect yet, but it’s getting better.

I brought up love languages earlier, because with how much I prided myself on showing service oriented affection, it hit hard one day as I realized that I didn’t feel the need to run around doing everything for my partner and his home. I took on some tasks that I knew made his life directly easier, and honestly benefitted us both, but with us being so focused on working together, and not having to fight for crumbs of time, I didn’t feel the need to try and constantly do more to earn affection. My needs were for the most part being met, and so I no longer had to try to find ways to make it happen, especially when I found it so difficult to figure out what I wanted or needed in the first place. It felt strange, and foreign as it hit home, but relieving at the same time. To know that I was in a space where I didn’t have to constantly compete and vie against nothing at all to simply feel cared about, felt like both a sledgehammer, as well as taking ten tons off my shoulders.

I’m finding myself more able to ask for help. Where for the longest time I had to do everything on my own, and was expected to do everything for everyone around me as well, for the first time I don’t feel like there’s something stopping me from the ability to ask someone to do the little things that can lighten the load. I’m able to more readily take advantage of my ability to get so much done, and sometimes even able to simply rest. I can ask my partner for attention if I need it, and not feel like I’m less than for such a thing. It’s difficult to look back on how I spent so much of my life, and realize that I was behaving that way because of how badly I was treated for so long, but it’s a true relief to know that I’m finally getting better.