The Bad Day

As she paces back and forward across the room, the more ideal became more amusing to her.

She was tired of even trying. Her faith was gone.

Tears in her eyes as she realizes she had never had real love, and no one would ever love.

Who could ever love her when she did not even love herself? She laughs at the thought of what love is.

The tears began to fall even faster as she continues to pace the room.

I am just a fat fuck up; why did I believe it could ever be anything. My mother does not love me.

Why do I choose to keep going? Just one click is all it takes then I will be at peace.

No one will miss me. I bet no one will even come to the funeral. I mean, why would people doubt they even know I exist. She looks down at the gun in her hand. She puts the gun to her head

pulls the trigger. Click nothing.

She laughs ad takes a sip of her wine and wipes the tears from her face. She had only put one bullet in the gun, and it had not gone off. She sat down on the couch, shaking her head. She sat there trying to figure how she had fallen. She thought back to how the day had gone. With a tear in her eyes, she began to remember the crap that had taken place. She had gone to work; her supervisor stopped her at the door and advised they had to let her go due to cutbacks. She pleaded with her supervisor not to let her go and if they could just cut her hour. The supervisor advised it was nothing she could do. It was an executive decision. She began to cry as she walks back to her car. Her mortgage was already late, and the light bill was two months behind. On her way back to the house, she hits someone's car.

The guy gets out of the car yelling, you stupid idiot. She gets out of the car and tries to apologize. The guy continues to rage. She hands him her insurance card. He takes down her insurance information and gives her the card back. She gets back in the car and gets ready to pull off. She looks in the rear-view mirror sees the guy still looking angry at her. She shakes her head and continues to drive. She finally makes it home. She is glad to see her husband is already there. She began to feel a little relief.

The tears began to roll down her cheek again like a waterfall. She puts the gun to her head also pulls the trigger—furthermore, just a click.

With another sip of wine, she continues to remember her day. She walks into the house. Her husband was there playing on his game station. Hey, what you are doing home. She advised I just got let go, and I got into a car accident. He asks, are you okay? Before she can answer, he says, I am on the mic. Then he goes back to playing his game. She goes downstairs. She goes into the bathroom and runs a tub of water, and turns on some music. She lights her candles and closes her eyes, and tries to calm her mind. She was in so much pain from the car accident, and she was mentally mess up as well. She had been with her job for almost 15 years, and they just let her go. She laid there in the water, just trying to relax. As much as she tried, she could not let it go. When she gets out of the tub, she gets her phone and plays the little game she always played. She had been trying to win their lotto. They would be naming the prize winner today. She thought to herself she could use the money. She looks at her social page, and she would have sworn everyone on her page seems to be having all the luck but her. She prayed for miracles that never seem to come.

Nothing seems ever to go her way.

She had begun to wonder if why she even try. She went back up the stair to her room. Her husband still on the game, laughing and talking. She still does not understand what made her do it. She picks up his phone and begins to go through it. She saw a text save them as the little black book. She clicks on the text and sees all these different pictures of females. She confronted him about it. He tells her it pictures his cousin sent him. Then she thinks back to Valentine's day and remembers he was gone for two hours, and the store was only five minutes away. He came home with a dozen of rose that was short two flowers. It was always the same thing every holiday. He never has sex with her during them. They barely ever had sex. She could not even remember the last time she had truly felt anything. From day one, she always felt like she was a mistake and that she did not belong. From going to foster home, she was so insecure. She had made it up in her mind that no one would ever love her. She felt as though she would never love. But he had come into her life, and She gave all of herself to him. But here he was talking with all these women pictures on his phone. She had let so much go. She picks the gun back up, pulls the trigger.

She still lived. She could barely see any anymore. Her eyes had swollen from her tears. She shook her head again and said I am sorry. Why does this hurt so terribly as the tear roll down her cheek? She grabbed a piece of paper and began to write.

Dear Mother

I am sorry I could never be the daughter you wanted. I am sorry I snuck men into the house when I was younger. Please forgive me for being such a pain. I am sorry for dating my aunties ex and then turned around and married him. Yes, I am a mess, and it no one's fault but my owns. Why was I put in this world, yet I am here. But not for long. I will not be here to embarrass you anymore. After all these years, you finally tell me how my father raped you when you were 15 years old. Yes, I get it. I am a curse. A danger to everyone I meet. Maybe I am not meant to happy. I was not even born with a pearl tongue. When a man touches my breast, I do not get excited. I am a curse. She sat and wondered why she was ever born? Goodbye, mother.

She gets angry, throws the bottle of wine against the wall. She goes into her kitchen, sees the picture of her and her husband on the refrigerator. She cries harder; how could he. Her husband was not at the house. She had put him out. She had known all the lone but did not want to admit it to herself. But when it rains, it pours. It was kind of funny she knew so much yet knew nothing at all. She wishes so badly that someone could love her for her. But this could never be. How could anyone love a person that did not love herself? She had craved love her entire life. She could feel the tears began to fall. She picks the gun up again. She pulls the trigger. All she hears is the click sound. She sets the weapon down. Screams why do you not let me die. I cannot take this anymore. My heart is weak.

My eyes are in so much pain; I don't have anything to live for. The pain is too deep. Why do you choose to let me continue to suffer? Please let me now die. There was only silence; she could not hear anything. She lays in her bed, crying to hold herself and not getting any relief, just shaking from head to toe. She began to think about how many times she had shot the gun, but it did not go off. She wonders why. She asks why I am so important. I do not know much, and no one likes me. I am not beautiful. She laughs to herself and says I do not have a dime. But you will not let me die. It must be a joke to everyone. Is my pain funny to you? Why do you hate me so? Is it because of who I am? Well, how can I be happy when all I have w is my pain. My heart is full of anger. Where is my joy? Tell me do hear me. Talk to me. Why do you sit silently with me?

You say I have the to keep moving forward, and I will move mountains. Well, when does my mountain move? Then before she knew it, there was a bright light inside of her room. There stood a beautiful flower of many colors. It shines as bright as a star. The flower began to speak; My love, I know you have been through so much. Please, you must trust, believe in yourself. You have been kept safe all these years. Think back to when you were in that car accident; it was us that kept you safe. When you got to let go from work, it was me who did it. Because right after you left, they got stuck up, and your supervisor was shot dead. We have always been with you. From foster home to foster home, We were there. You are unique and meant to be here. Keep pushing forward and see all the great plans we have for you. Things have been hard for you so that you can teach someone else. Please help them to be strong and guide them. We know everything about you—every piece of hair on your head. My love, you are magnificent inside and out. You are so loved. Please understand, my love; We chose you before you were even born. We have such excellent plans for you. We are not here to tell you that thing is going to get easy for you. But we did want to tell you that we love you and that we are here for you. Keep moving forward and talking to me, and we will comfort you as tears roll down her face. She felt at peace after all these years of holding on to so much pain and anger. Before she knew it, the flower was gone like a beautiful dream. She could not believe it. She laughs and says, okay, now I know I have drunk too much. She goes into the bathroom and washes her face with warm water. She lays back down and goes to sleep. The next morning, she wakes up and turns on her television; she hears on the news bank on 45th street was robbed at gunpoint, and the supervisor and the bank manager were shot dead. She shakes her head, saying, oh my, my dream was absolute. She looks at the gun on the table. The bullets that were she never placed in the gun laying next to it. She runs to pick up the gun and throws it away. She picks up her phone to see serval miss calls from her little sister calling to check on her. She smiles, calls her sister. I am okay; she says my job laid me off, and they had sent me home. I was nowhere near there. Then a knock came at her door made her jump. She opens the door surprise, the lotto she had been playing all these years was at her door. She had won the 10-million-dollar lotto.

The End

By lily rose