Thinking about Abundance

Here I am in front for my keyboard again, relaxing my mind into a spot that’s becoming more comfortable. Its the space that allows me to “channel” my thoughts into words. That’s the odd thing about our meditations, we learn and practice techniques that all sort of leads to the same arenas.

I like to think of it as Doing more with Less, but that is an over simplification, I feel like mindfulness practice of any kind is also and exercise in not only quieting our minds, but (at least in my experience) also an exercise in trusting you body and mind to do the things that they can do.

The practice of relinquishing absolute control of our bodies. It sounds counter-intuitive at first, but the more I practice being mindful whether that’s sitting comfortably in my bed, while I’m doing the dishes, or in a way typing all of this out right now. I have found that it’s much easier for me to write (or create in general) when I’m not over thinking it. Or not forcing it to be something that it’s not.

I think that’s why I have always felt like things I write aren’t great. Usually because in editing I realize how all over the place writing out my thoughts gets. I used to agonize over it, often getting into my own head and causing a lot of circles. These days it feels more natural to let it flow as it, as sure enough when I stop stressing about it it gets a little easier, practice helps too, to be sure.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons pot helps creativity so much. Definitely turns the stress down.

So trusting oneself seems an easy concept, sure, but it’s practice I firmly believe is a process that takes a lifetime. Growth should of course. We spend our youth acquiring skills from school and parents, but I feel like a lot of us don’t really start exploring ourselves in depth until we get older or confront forces in our lives that put us front and center in the ongoing shockwaves caused by trauma, well life in general.

I’ve often found interested in exploring my own head as much as other.

I’m just sitting here thinking of abundance. I am a fan of the word, not just about what it means, but like my fondness for a lot of words comes from how it sounds, but I should say that while abundance is amazing, I also feel like we tend to put more emphasis on having more of something instead of less, or more wisely a balance of the two things.

I want to detach from my thoughts enough to let my fingers do the talking, but not so much that I’m drooling on the keyboard instead of typing. Balanced enough. Plus now that I’m thinking about it, Balance in and of itself is a moving target. Sure, we imagine the scales in perfect balance as the litmus when really it’s the ideal. Balance in this plane of existence (which is all in some kind of movement) is much harder without aid of man made devices built to that purpose.

I think most of us can relate to the experience of trying to maintain balance, both in defiance of gravity and existentially so. Life gets complex and difficult at parts, and definitely feels out of balance in many ways. I feel like most of us tolerate the imbalance and don’t do as much as we need to to find it before it’s so far gone we have no choice but to let the ship shake apart and sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Then it floats back up from Davy Jone’s locker in tatters, with us treading water as the flotsam and jetsam of our lives bubbles up again around us.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that this is unavoidable and quite honestly it shouldn’t be.

We all have our struggles, they’re usually relative and people will have lots of opinions on your struggle, usually to cheapen them as it’s not the worst case scenario, but I’ll just say that’s bullshit, because they’re your problems. Just because they aren’t well on their way to destroying you doesn’t mean that they are invalid. Besides cheapening someone else’s feelings are usually a good recipe for resentment. I’m sure there’s an orbit for that in the near future.

So abundance, it’s good to have it, but so is lack. A balance of the 2 is great if one can get away with it. Giving Change it’s due, and things not really remaining the same for too long, we can count on moving out of basking in the warm glow of contentment to the deepest pits of despair. Lots of us swinging wildly from day to day, it just depends on too many factors to count.

Outside forces exerting themselves on you is inescapable, I mean gravity from moment one, so things flying into your orbit and crashing into you, so to speak, will happen. So we can safely assume this will continue to happen for the duration of our time on this plane.

Bad days happen and I feel like one of the best things I’ve learned is to recognize that these states of being are finite, even though the bad times seem to last longer when we’re in them. Perception is a bitch like that sometimes. Of course in recognizing that just because I am actually on an upswing in my life right now, does not mean in anyway it’s the end of bad days. These days I’m working on taking as many things as the come as possible.

Sure there are plans for the future, things I’d like to do and see and I’ll make efforts to try and see those things to fruition.

Also for the record, and no disrespect to Yoda, but there IS a fucking try. I have aims, but I’m finding the less I stress over what’s going to happen, I’m at the very least better prepared to handle the bad things. It’s weird to say prepared when I’m also trying to live in the now. I naturally “Work Ahead” of myself as the ADHD is real, I has it, and I am prone to forget things. I have to setup little pockets of routine and order here and there, I need to leave the house with my keys and my wallet, the phone usually comes too, but you get the idea.

I’ve built up many routines around being a functional adult. I mean I think most human beings do. Our society has only grown more and more complex, and managing a life has a lot of different factors and keeping track of them all is rough.

I know that I feel like I’ve done a lot of things ass backwards in my life and despite it’s foibles and shitty times, I don’t think I’d do it differently. I know everyone says that, but I’d love to see a LOT more people get there and I think that’s a conversation we’re currently having.

We now have an abundance of support as we realized that we can talk to just about anyone in the world. Our words and thoughts and ideas can reach anyone’s eyes and ears. Yes there are plenty of shitty things you can do on the internet too, but watching porn is NOT one of them.

I mean you can go and be a hateful piece of shit on the internet, but that’s nothing new, have I covered this? Probably, moving on…..

People tend to find what they’re looking for in an existential sense. If I carry an abundance of rage in my heart, I will find ways to express this rage. If I have an overabundance of self doubt in my heart, I’ll doubt myself into doing nothing, because that’s the safe bet. We could go on and on about that.

Anyhow we seek out the things we secretly want in life, not just the internet. The Internet is just more prevalent because reprisals usually come in the form of long winded FUCK YOU’s but nothing of true bodily harm, unless self inflicted.

I think I have said this before, but I’ll say it a-fucking-gain, no one should give a shit what people are calling you on the internet. People are dicks, especially when they aren’t there to witness your reactions to their words.

Which brings me to the big thing I’m working on within myself which is to worry more about what I’m doing and less about what others are doing, or doing to me, etc.

See the thing is we have very little control over a ton of of different factors around us, the only thing we can control is ourselves and even then, trying to control yourself too much can be very bad too. This isn’t to say just throw it all up in the air and check the chips when they hit the ground. All over, they’d definitely be all over.

The funny thing is finding that balance. Like right now, I know my brain is circling around a point (Maybe?), I’m not typing as cleanly as I was when I started this, but don’t feel stifled or frustrated about the slow down. Probably a good indicator that I’ve at least tuckered the mind out, but while I am slower to find the ideas, I’m not mad at it.

So as I get ready to settle in, put some more evening cannabis to the dome and drift off to sleep after a long day, my brain now punishing me for my hubris by jumbling everything around upstairs…. Like if a giant just picked up your house and dumped you and your shit onto the front lawn and yelled, “You figure it out fuckface” I am now sitting on the lawn of my mind with the furniture of my thoughts…. More like pets really, they move too much and under their own power to be furniture.

And just as I lift my fingers to try and force more thoughts out of the noggin I suddenly realize I’m over thinking this, and really I should just get some sleep.