To My Sunshine

I was not prepared when I found out that I was going to be your mother. I was 18 years old, barely out of high school and no were near an adult in my mind. As you grew inside of my womb, I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, but also with love for you. Your birth was not easy on me, because you were too afraid to come out into the world. 48 hours of labor and a c-section later, you were here and my life was never the same again.

I struggled with severe depression and attempted to take my own life more than once from childhood until the moment I had you. When darkness surrounded me and non-existence seemed like a good alternative to the pain I was feeling, you would come bouncing into the room as a child and hug me. It was like you knew when I was at my lowest and weakest moments, even though you were just a toddler. Every time you smiled, it made me feel like I wasn't as worthless as I thought, after all, I helped to create a child as incredible as you.

I had a new purpose in life as your mother, and that purpose was to protect you from experiencing trauma like I had growing up. I would not fail you like every adult in my life failed me as I grew up. I would not allow my demons to cause me to leave you to fend for yourself. I would fight to live so that I could always be here to keep your safe no matter what. I made that promise to you, and it has kept me from giving up no matter how much the darkness tries to win. Protecting you also meant we had to move across the country to protect you from my side of the family, because they were damaging and toxic to your well-being.

It broke my heart when you came home from school crying because the other girls you thought were your friends were picking on you. You told me how they asked you which boy you had a crush on and they wouldn't stop bugging you even though you told them that you didn't like any of the boys in school. They threatened to tell a random boy in your class that you liked him if you didn't tell them the truth, even though you were being completely honest with them. So you gave a boys name because they would not stop, and then they teased you mercilessly and told him that you liked him. I wanted to beat the shit out of the parents of those girls for raising such cruel little bitches.

Instead, I took you out of school and began home schooling you because I knew you were different even when you were 6 years old. You never talked about boys or crushes, you never said anyone was cute - well except for a cartoon character when you were only 4. When you were 9 years old, we moved back to the state you were born, back near my family even though I was hesitant to do so. You found a school and friends that accepted you as you were, they did not ask you questions over your crushes or lack of. You were happy and as you grew into a teenager, you amazed me with your honesty and integrity. You accepted others regardless of who they were by befriending transgender classmates who you met in high school. Even going to prom with them as friends so that they would not have to go alone.

You told me the first time you said a cuss word even though I wasn't anywhere near you when it happened. Your high moral compass would not allow you to keep that slip of the tongue to yourself. You felt so horrible for cussing by accident, and I smiled and laughed because I could not believe how remarkable and pure your soul was. You felt safe to tell your father and I that you were asexual, even though we already knew. You hated being touched, had no physical attraction or sexual attraction to anyone growing up that we ever saw. The first time a boy asked for your number, you told him no and walked off. I laughed so hard because you were so unapologetically yourself. Genuine to the core.

As you've grown into adulthood, you've never lost your honesty, integrity, or moral compass. You are yourself and you apologize to no one for that fact. You care for others and accept others as they are, and you stand firm in what you believe in. You taught me that 'this is how it's always been' is not the way it has to continue to be. You have shown me how to accept what is different in the world more than just what parts of myself are 'different'. You have helped me understand that the world is full of color and different perspectives and viewpoints. You have given me life, every single day since your conception.

While I will never be a grandparent, because you do not want any children, I don't feel any regrets. You have brought me more joy, love and taught me so much as an adult. You have given me everything and I have grown into a better and wiser person as your mother. I learned to accept myself, demons and all, because I have watched you always accept yourself regardless of if others did or not. I will fight to protect you for the life you have brought to me, the gift you give me every single day. Thank you, my Sunshine. I love you more than you know.