Unsent Letters

Do you ever think about what could have been? I used to think about it all. the. time. Especially before I found my person and before I stopped thinking that I'd be the true definition of forever alone, definitely comparing myself to every old, single, never-married person I encountered along the way.

I used to have tons of crushes, so many I probably could have filled an entire notebook with names. I'd try to envision myself with each and every one of them, envision my future with them, no matter how unrealistic the crush was. Never did it work. Even when that someone was a legitimate prospect. I could see myself with a someone, maybe, but that someone's face was always blurred out, never anyone I could easily identify, always a faceless mystery. I still daydreamed though, even after I no longer felt things about some of them.

For example: the eldest son of some family friends. Boy did I crush on him hard. I think I thought I was in love for a minute. I was head over heels for a good six or so years, maybe even longer. There was a time where I even wrote one of those letters you write knowing you'll never send it. The kind that got Lara Jean into that hot mess, except there was no mess for me because I don't have a meddling sister to find them and send them out behind my back.

Even though I'm happy with the romantic side of my life now, I do still wonder what could have been sometimes, with some of them. Or, more precisely, how different things would have been. Just for shits and giggles, let's have a look at that unsent letter to the son of a family friend from several years back:

You know, it's funny. I've known you since I was a kid, I had a crush on you for most of our adolescent years. Since then I've very much strayed into the "What the fuck did I ever see in you?" phase. But I still think about you sometimes. God only knows why. You're not exactly someone I could see myself with. You've never shown any interest in me. We were never friends, although our parents remained friends for the last, what, 16 or so years? I haven't seen you in maybe 10 years now that I think about it. Somehow we just keep missing each other.

The last time our parents saw each other, you were there with them. Mom mentioned that you'd said you admire me for my drive and that you'd trade lessons in your forte for lessons in mine. That you thought my career choice was awesome and that through that, you wanted my help. Somehow, despite the fact that I no longer have any interest in you whatsoever and the fact that you have a girlfriend and the fact that I have literally nothing in common with you and the fact that you're actually kind of a stranger to me now, you saying those types of things still gives me butterflies. Hell, I got butterflies once just from you telling my mom to pass along that you said hi to me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I will never forget the time your parents were visiting some years ago and your dad pretty much said, verbatim, that he wishes you and I would get together because I'd be perfect for you. Can you imagine? You and me together? God, 10 year old me quite literally would have squealed herself into oblivion.

I can't say I'd hate having your parents as in-laws though. They're probably the closest I've ever come to having second parents already. I can't say I haven't wondered about us too though. I mean, I haven't seen you in so long and my opinions about you are based entirely on secondhand stories about you and pictures of you on social media. Who knows, maybe our differences are exactly what we both need in our lives. I know I want more adventure, and you could do with some normalcy and routine. Lord knows stability would probably suit you well. Maybe we'd actually balance each other out somehow.

What a story that would be. I wonder if you ever think about me like that.

xx

So maybe I won't ever find out what could have been. Maybe I won't ever know if feelings, crushes, were reciprocated. Maybe I won't ever know the answers to all of my most inane questions about life. But don't you wish that sometimes you could just know some things?

Maybe for kicks I'll make a regular series out of this. I know I've written many a thing that could be considered an unsent letter. Or maybe it's just a written piece I wish I could direct at someone specific.

But if you liked what you read, or something resonated from within, please feel free to like, share, follow, leave a tip, all that jazz.

Thank you and goodnight!