When Hurt People Hurt People

Sometimes, I feel for the hurt people that hurt people. The bullied which end up harassing others. The victims who go on to perpetrate abuse. Survivors in general who take their pain out on another.

I mean, trauma is something that shakes you to the core. It can change your whole outlook on life. Make one feel cynical, like kindness is pointless. Or maybe just numb you so much that being a jerk is nothing compared to what you went through.

It is something that can take years of therapy to heal in certain cases. Several dollars which could have been spent on anything else end up having to be sacrificed.

But then other times, the fact a perpetrator went through something terrible once upon a time only makes me resent them more. You know what it’s like and how much it hurts. Why would you do the same or similar to someone else?

For me, two factors come into play when it comes to situations like these: similarity and severity. They are related, but do not necessarily overlap.

With similarity, it goes like this. If, say, an abused person proceeds to scream at someone for talking to the former’s abuser after finding out, I could understand. Not an excuse, of course, but it’s an explanation. The two things are connected.

On the other hand, if a 9/11 survivor burns down the house of a completely unrelated family on their own free will, then I will extend no sympathy towards the former beyond perhaps a little pity for them going through the 9/11 attacks in the past.

On that note, severity. Occasionally, abusive parents were abused children in the past. Have multiple generations of it, and you get generational trauma. This may go on for a couple of them - or even for so long, it becomes impossible to trace back.

I personally find long term perpetrators like these harder to sympathize with overall. But there’s a difference between an emotionally neglectful dad who still allows his kids decent freedom and an extremely controlling mother who will beat her child up over absolutely nothing.

Let’s go with the mother’s case. Even if the mother was abused in her childhood, she’s an adult now and should know better than to spend time beating up kids for no reason. It’s one thing if it’s a mild one-time thing. However, a cycle for years? Yeah, no.

Speaking of which, there is a difference between adults, teens, and young children.

The prefrontal cortex which keeps impulse control in check isn’t fully developed until the age of 25. That being said, people generally stop growing at 14-16 - with the age of majority typically set at 18. It makes more sense to go harder on an adult for a misdemeanour than to go hard on a minor.

General mental health can also play a role. “I was in a dark place!” almost always does not fly for a good apology. There are multiple other ways to deal with a deteriorating mental state, after all.

But psychological disorders can impact someone’s mindset and cognitive function. I might be more lenient on a person who blew up during a mental breakdown so long as it doesn’t involve threats and it’s not a pattern.

In the end, one is not obligated to forgive anything preventable that causes long-term damage. Even if the perpetrator was traumatized in the past.

This is just my personal rambling on the topic. I’m sure other people have different perspectives on this compared to me. Speaking of which…

Any other thoughts? Let me know in the comments!

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