When Your Partner Burns You Out

“Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that happens while you’re taking care of someone else.” (1) We don’t think of our romantic partners as giving us caregiver burnout, if they are obviously, physically healthy. However, physical health does not equal emotional health and when you find yourself feeling depressed, anxious and constantly fatigued, you need to consider whether your relationship is an equal one or whether you are an emotional caregiver.

I saw a close friend after a couple of years at a week-long conference. He used to have this eternally boyish grin and was always full of life. The first day I saw him, he seemed almost grey; tired in every way, with his eyes practically vacant. Then, each day of the conference he became more alive, with the sparkle slowly returning to his eyes and to his smile.

As we caught up, I learned that his wife suffered through incredible mood swings that would last weeks. He wanted her to get assessed for bipolar disorder and maybe try therapy and medicine. She refused. In her manic stages she would loudly proclaim she's perfectly fine, just like she's always told him. Meanwhile in the depressed stages she would be verbally hurtful to their children as well as him and accuse him of wanting to underhandedly get rid of her by figuring out a way to institutionalize her. His marriage had turned from an equal partnership to him managing his wife’s moods and being their children’s only real support. Meanwhile, there was no actual spouse to be his support network when he needed it.

Our friend’s situation is a complex one with many years of marriage and children. When I asked about divorce he said he won’t risk any type of split custody. Staying married guaranties that he can be there for the children full time. When he goes to conferences he can be involved with arranging for his parents and siblings to be at his house with the children.

And that’s what he does to emotionally survive. He goes to conferences. For a couple of days, to a week, a couple of times a year, he can be completely free from the emotional burden of his partner and recuperate enough to go back and deal with it again, until the next conference.

Sadly, his story, while more extreme than many, is not unique.

Our partners are supposed to be our equals. This means that when they need an emotional rock we are there for them, and when we need an emotional rock, they are there for us. There may be times that one person needs a rock more than the other — life events such as illness, death of a loved one, etc… will influence this. However, over the span of the relationship the split evens out…in a healthy relationship.

In an unhealthy relationship one partner is predominantly (if not exclusively) the rock, while the other partner is either always in need of a rock, and/or for some reason lacks the ability to be one for anyone else.

A divorced friend of mine told me that she never felt as lonely as she had with her ex husband. He would come home, tell her about his day, and she would listen and support him. However, when she talked about her day, rather than being supportive, he would tear her down. If something had gone wrong during her day, he would place blame on her and try to ‘teach’ her how to ‘fix’ herself. If she was proud of something, he would always somehow turn her accomplishment into something not quite good enough to be proud of.

Her ex was like that parent who thinks they are encouraging their child when, instead of saying they are proud when the child gets 99% on a test, they ask what the child did wrong to not get 100%. The thing is, that’s most likely what her ex’s parents had been like, and rather than trying to grow into a better person, he had become just like them.

What people often fail to realize is that when they accept a person into their life, they are also accepting all of that person’s traumas and emotional issues into their life.

We all have our backgrounds and our emotional scars. However, some people choose not to grow beyond their scars and issues. Other people are unable, or unready, to heal their scars and work on their issues. They may be ready/able at some point, but, you cannot dictate when that point will be.

Are you therefore, both willing and able, to be an emotional caregiver for an indeterminate amount of time, rather than being with someone who can equally take care of you when you need it?

Additionally, are you enabling a person to keep avoiding the hard, personal work, by being their emotional caregiver?

A friend of mine left her partner after years of begging him to go to therapy for severe childhood trauma that was drastically affecting his ability to be an equal partner. She had stayed for more years than she should have because of the positives that she saw in him, such as his outwardly joyful demeanor that made him wonderful in social situations, and his brilliantly intellectual mind. However, after being his rock for over five years, while he failed her each and every time she needed him, she finally left. A couple of months after she left, he began therapy, at last realizing that he would never have a functional relationship if he didn’t grow as a person.

Sometimes, saying “Enough is enough. I am burned out. You’ve taken all I have and I can give you no more. I need, and I deserve, a rock too,” is exactly what the other person needs to hear, in order to start working on themselves.

I used to have this test when I was dating. I would spend an entire Saturday or Sunday with a guy. I’d come up with something like going to the beach and then dinner, etc… Basically, anything that would be an all-day activity and would involve lots of interaction (so no, sitting through a 3-hour movie where you can easily ignore each other doesn’t count). If I felt rejuvenated at the end of the day, I would keep dating the guy. If I felt emotionally/mentally drained at the end of the day, that would be it.

At the time, I didn’t ponder the deeper reasons of why some men made me feel rejuvenated while others drained me. I simply knew that with some men, interaction felt like a lot of work: I had to watch what I said and how I said it. I had to work at pulling the conversation forwards. I had to be overly careful about how I behaved. Meanwhile, with other men I could just speak. I could laugh. I could be goofy. Being with them didn’t feel like I was at work. Being with them was what rejuvenated me for another day at work.

What I realize now, is that the men that drained me, did so because I WAS doing all the work. We were not emotional equals. I was the emotional caregiver.

I still have this test for friends. If I can spend an entire day with someone and feel emotionally rejuvenated at the end of it, then I know this person is bestie material.

So, on average, after you spend an entire day with your partner, how do you feel?

Is this how you should be feeling?

Is this how you want to be feeling five years from now...day in and day out?

Original published in Medium