Women Don't Want Nice Men

As a woman, I will clearly tell you: I don’t like nice men. I do, however, love kind men. And, there is a huge difference.

I’ll summarize it below and then go into depth as it pertains to relationships.

Kindness is a goodness that comes from within you. It is doing things because you care for the welfare of the other. Niceness, on the other hand, is a socially taught construct. It is doing socially pleasant things, not because you have someone’s welfare in mind, but because you want to make a situation more pleasant.

Being nice isn’t empirically a bad thing. It’s often the equivalent of situational tact. For example: your mostly senile grandpa says an offensive joke at dinner but you just smile along with the rest of the family because it’s not worth calling out a man who is 95 and has only half his memory in tact, and in the process ruining a family gathering.

The problem with niceness lies in the fact that the men who are the nicest are oftentimes the least kind. They play off narcissistic niceties as actual kindness.

The ‘nice guy’ is the guy that says he doesn’t tell his partner about things he does that she doesn’t like, because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or upset her. Truth? No. He doesn’t tell his partner things because HE doesn’t feel like dealing with a confrontation. It has nothing to do with his partner’s feelings. If he had cared for his partner’s feelings he would have discussed the potentially contentious things he plans to do before doing them.

The ‘nice guy’ is the guy that repeatedly does things behind everyone’s back (not just his partner’s) and always claims that it is for the good of the other person when it’s predominantly for his own good. The ‘nice guy’ claims that a confrontation would be upsetting to the other person, when in fact, it would upset his plans. You see, if the ‘nice guy’ were to face a confrontation he would have to potentially reassess his behavior. He might need to admit that he is doing something wrong. But, he doesn’t want to.

He wants what he wants, and he gets it with the least amount of discomfort to himself.

The ’nice guy’ is also a perpetual politician. He does things to get things — most often admiration for how nice he is and constant Thank You’s for all the nice things he does. He will be the guy to do those grand gestures and buy those great gifts, because grand gestures and shiny jewelry enable everyone to see how good he is to you. But, if you ask for help with something he doesn’t enjoy doing he’ll become offended because he just went out of his way to take you out to that expensive dinner and here you are, thanklessly expecting something else from him.

A friend was going through a period of grief and her ‘nice guy’ made her dinner and took care of the house for…two days. While she usually showered the ‘nice guy’ boyfriend with praise for how wonderful he was whenever he did anything for her, at that moment she, as I pointed out, was grieving. She was a barely functional, emotional zombie that first week and everything around her felt like a blur. So, through her grief she didn’t shower the ‘nice guy’ with Thank You’s. If he had continued to support her, she would have undoubtedly expressed her appreciation as soon as her emotional state would have allowed. However, by day #3, the ‘nice guy’ had a fit, accusing her of being upset, distant and unthankful when he had worked so hard to be there while she grieved.

Bottom line: he hadn’t been nice because he cared for the grief she was experiencing. Her grief was an inconvenience to him. She wasn’t looking pretty or acting peppy and horny for him, because she was grieving. He was ‘helpful’ in order to get her ‘out of grieving’ so she would again be what was pleasurable for him. When he didn’t immediately get the reward he expected, he turned to gaslighting her, twisting her grief into an emotional burden on himself.

Another type of ‘nice guy’, in a similar situation, might not emotionally twist things on you. He might simply start to disappear, with various excuses of how this is best for you.

The nice guys who aren’t narcissists, and who aren't telling everyone who is still listening “I’m such a nice guy. Women just don’t like nice guys,” generally have specific childhood issues that they haven’t addressed.

These nice guys often come from families where nothing was good enough and either one, or both parents used emotional blackmail to get them to behave in certain ways. They could not be honest about who they were. They could not voice their true opinions, wants or needs, because they would get punished for it. The punishment would generally be emotional, centered around the denial of love and acceptance. So, they live in fear of offending anyone. They will tell friend A that they are voting conservative and friend B that they are voting liberal, to not face repercussions from either. These ‘nice guys’ are just as bad as the narcissists because A) you can’t ever truly trust them. At a certain point, do they even know what they truly believe? and B) they aren’t facing their baggage and that affects every relationship in their life, including the one they have with themselves.

So, what’s a kind guy?

A kind guy will do the right thing, not because he is looking for acceptance or adulation. He will do it despite potentially losing those things, if he truly believes in his actions. He has the guts to stand behind what he says and does. So, a kind guy may come off as a jerk, but you’ll always know who he is and where you stand with him.

A kind guy will be honest, even if it leads to an argument, because he respects you enough to trust that you can handle the truth. Additionally, he has the courage to allow others to question his actions and beliefs through confrontations.

A kind guy won’t buy you the flashiest necklace. He will take the time to learn your taste and buy you the necklace you actually want, even if it’s tiny and unnoticeable and thus no one will be able to be awed by his generosity to you.

The difference between a nice guy and a kind guy is the difference between Mr. Whickham and Mr. Darcy in Jane Austen’s classic, Pride and Prejudice.

Mr. Whickham was nice to everyone. He was generous to those around him and was thus adored in every social situation. As the author wrote, ‘he simpered and smiled’. On the other hand, Mr. Darcy was a social boor who absolutely stank at small talk. Additionally, he was an opinionated snob. But, when the shit hit the fan, it was Mr. Darcy who saved the day, and what’s most important, he did so in secret. He didn’t want to be thanked. He simply wanted to do the right thing. (And, by the way, it was the ‘nice’ Mr. Whickham who caused the shit to hit the fan, so that he could personally benefit with the least amount of inconvenience to himself - the typical 'nice guy' go to).

Ideally, all women would love a man who is both kind and nice. I’m thankful that my husband is a pretty good balance of the two. It’s great to be with a man who will support me, even when there is no benefit to him, and who also knows when to simply act PC. And I appreciate being with a man who knows his truth and will stand behind it, but who also knows how to not frighten everyone at a party.

However, if pushed into a corner and made to choose, I guarantee that nine out of ten women (including myself) will choose the social boor over the ‘nice guy’. Why?

It’s not because he’s dark or brooding or good looking.

It’s because he’s real.

Original published on Medium