Criminals Hit With New HR Policy Updates, Effective Immediately

Attention Criminals

It has recently come to our attention through numerous complaints that several people have not upheld our criminal code of conduct. At CrimesRUs, our success depends on the collective performance of our team members. This requires each criminal to perform his or her duties to a capacity above and beyond expectations.

CrimesRUs Human Resources Department has implemented new policies that take effect immediately. Please take time to familiarize yourself with each one. Shoot us an email with any questions.​

HR Policy #1: No Oversharing

Better Known As: (BKA) Please Shut The Hell Up

Bragging about criminal activities is strictly prohibited. Do not tell your homeboy, your mama, your social media friends, or AI. Do not vlog, blog, or text about it. We recommend invoking your right to remain silent the way you would if Johnny Cochran had you in an interrogation room. When you shut the hell up, no one can snitch on you or testify in court later.

HR Policy #2: Emotional Regulation Training Class

Deciding when to commit a crime and when to let that shit go is challenging even for masterminds of the biz. Our research shows that criminals who complete an Emotional Regulation Training class are 87.9% more successful. As a CrimesRUs criminal, going above and beyond to get the crime done is mandatory. For this reason, all criminals are now required to complete this class in their own time during non-working hours. Criminals learn skills from this class designed to help them decide if the disrespect, anger, or sadness is worth 25 to life. We shudder to think our criminals would go down for anything aside from their preferred crime. This class prevents disaster.

*Must be completed once per calendar year or more frequently if deemed necessary.

​HR Policy #3: Don’t be a Dummy

If you are arrested for a crime, remember rule #1, and shut the hell up. Police are not your friend. They will lie to you. It’s never beneficial to talk to an officer, especially if he believes you have done something wrong. Don't be a big dummy and think you found a friend in a cop. He wants to send you to prison. Zip it and protect yourself and our organization.

HR Policy #4: Ethics Training Class

Not everyone has what it takes to be a top criminal. Our Ethics Training is not some weird reverse psychology course designed to turn you into a good person. None of us wants that. But the evidence is clear: the class can help you better identify liabilities, including paper trails, raw evidence, CCTV footage, witnesses, and electronic information and data. You’ll also learn valuable information about why snitches get stitches. This information can protect you from a future body redesign. We encourage Ethics training, although it is not required.

HR Policy #5: Regular Performance Reviews Required​

As a criminal with CrimesRUs, you will undergo regular performance reviews that help us determine your rank and capabilities. Our HR team notices patterns and inconsistencies, including whether you leave evidence at the scene, return to the crime, or break other policies listed within. Any criminal arrested more than twice in any calendar year may have his or her crime license revoked while they find a lifestyle that doesn’t involve lawyers and court appearances.

Notes

Additionally, we request that you refrain from bringing attention to yourself or CrimesRUs. We are a team, unless you get caught. Then lose our number. Forget our name. Call your mama. Call your sister. Call a lawyer. We don’t care who you call as long as it's not us.

​Failure to comply may result in corrective action, up to and including termination.

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Criminals get caught because they are messy. They talk and brag too much. Some don’t know when to throw in the towel. Maybe an HR overseeing their activity is the solution.

This is satire and not intended to be taken seriously.