Latest Stories
Most recently published stories in Humor.
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Local Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
My First Day on Vocal
Greetings, fellow members of this enchanting community! I am thrilled to step into the luminous realm of shared passions and creative spirits. My name is Nat, and I am here to embark on a wondrous journey with you, exploring the depths of the heart and the magic woven within the tapestry of romance.
By Nat Nortey2 years ago in Humor
The Old Man & the Hyena
I happened to visit the zoo once when I was a kid with my grandpa and, was very excited at the thought of getting close to wild animals that I had only seen on television. I didn’t realize how huge the elephant was and just stood there, mouth open agape staring at its trunk and the two enormous tusks. Curious as any other kid I wanted to see everything all at once and kept yanking my grandpa’s hand moving into every direction I saw a cage. I had stuffed some green peas in my pocket to feed the animals and whenever no one was looking, I threw some to the lions coz my mum always told me to eat my veggies if I ever wanted to be as strong as a lion. The giraffe and zebra were surprisingly beautiful with their prints perfectly placed against each other making a gorgeous pattern, unlike my art project where the lines on the zebra ran front to back just like I had seen a zebra crossing and, my art teacher could hardly hold his laughter and had to step outside the class to gain his composure. We had almost viewed the entire zoo, when we came across the spotted hyena. Well, it was a funny looking animal and confusing at the same time; its legs didn’t match and spotted all over with no particular pattern. I asked grandpa about the hyena and he told me the following story.
By Lee Karanja2 years ago in Humor
Burritos Tortilla Blanket
Embrace the Whimsy and Warmth of the Burritos Tortilla Blanket Are you ready to take your coziness to a deliciously fun level? Meet the Burritos Tortilla Blanket, a delightful twist on traditional comfort that's capturing hearts and sparking smiles. In a world where everyday items often blend into the background, this blanket stands out with its playful design and ultra-comfy feel, resembling a giant, fluffy tortilla. Perfect for those who love to add a dash of humor to their home decor or simply snuggle up in something soft and unique, this tortilla blanket is quickly becoming a must-have in households everywhere.
By matthew craven2 years ago in Humor
The Great Indoors
Once upon a recent time, in the quaint town of Everville, the Johnson family found themselves on a unique adventure. No, they weren’t exploring exotic lands or venturing into mystical realms. Their journey was within the four walls of their cozy home, navigating the uncharted waters of staying indoors – together, all the time!
By Daniel Stevens2 years ago in Humor
