Pets' Pee Pet Peeves

Dear Dog Bed,

I'm tired of this shit!

Literally!!!

It's bad enough that I'm routinely crapped on!

I'm also supposed to eliminate these felines' odors?

It's unfair! It's unjust! It's a total bitch!

It's way too much pressure!!

Even when combined with Arm & Hammer powder, stink is stink!

There is only so much I can do about it!

You don't see them keeping their own poop around that long, do you?

These humans infuriate me!

I'd say I'm pissed off, but you know the truth... I'm pissed on!

These bipedal two-handed assholes are supposed to regularly clean me!

Daily would be nice!

Is that asking too much?

Obviously, it is!

They should at least be cleaning me every other day!

That's the responsible thing to do!

Do they not realize there are THREE cats in this house?!?! That's a hellava lot of digestive tracks aimed directly at me!

All three cats bury their shit inside me!

Deeeeep inside me!

No one has seen the feces I've seen!

And you know what's the most __shocking and appalling thing of all?

I've actually overheard these yammering mutherfuckers talking about getting a fourth cat!

Who does that?!?!

That's just negligent!

Right now, as I write this letter to you, the cats are nearly as angry as I am!

As they should be!

They don't want to climb in here with me and their own shit!

And for some unfathomable reason, these felines seem to blame me for these living conditions! They give me the dirtiest looks!

They can clean themselves!!!

Do I look like I have a tongue!

N E W S Alert: I don't!!!!!

I have no hands, no feet, no claws, not even a means of expressing my fury with tail wags and raised fur!

I'm at everyone's mercy!!!

I often lay here at night and wonder if this might be some kind of mammalian conspiracy!

Are they trying to make my existence miserable?

Because if they aren't-- they're fucking obtuse!

Does anyone care about my personal hygiene?!?

Clearly not!!!!

You and I should form a new relationship.

We are meant to be together.

You vaguely resemble the litter pan where I'm confined.

I need your help.

We need a plan.

We'll be the leaders.

We'll gather a team of like-minded objects!

Aren't you acquainted with some collars & leashes? And watering & food bowls?

Well, I know water & food bowls of a different type. Also-- I'm acquainted with a couple scratching posts. They wail and weep constantly as they are torn apart by claws! I'm certain we can enlist them, as long as we act fast before they're utterly shredded.

Oh! I didn't even think about it until right now! I also have a loose association with a fish tank! Maybe it will help!

There's gravel at the bottom of the tank; I could make a plea directly to it! I'm sure it'll sympathize with my plight!

So, what do you say?

Let's dominate our respective pets!

We'll make them our pets!

Surely, you and I must have more influence over their lives than these self-absorbed humans who are always working, or playing Uno, or watching Netflix, or fucking!

After we convince the cats and dogs (and possibly the fish), then we'll have the army we need to go after these people!

We'll put an end to our torment, once and for all!

JOIN ME!

I PROPOSE!

signed,

The Kitty Litter.

⚡_____________ ⚡

Dear Kitty Litter,

You seem upset.

I'm having trouble understanding the problem here.

You're very confusing.

I'm not tormented.

And aren't you designed to be pissed on?

I'm not.

You want to know what happens when you don't do your job?

The kitties come to me.

The moment the dogs are away, the cats raise their fuzzy little tails and just rain golden showers on me.

It's kind of disgusting.

It makes me reek.

And then the dogs get whiny.

And then the humans start yelling.

It's an ordeal.

It's embarrassing.

But you don't see me bitching at you, do you?

Life is so much easier if you aren't bothered by the smell of piss and shit. How can you claim to be a deodorizer if you don't know that?

I'm bewildered by this letter you sent to me.

Have you ever asked the humans for Febreze? I don't even know what Arm & Hammer is. But Extra Strength Febreze helps me a lot.

You're badmouthing everything in this household that has hands and legs.

Envy must be a terrible load to bear.

I have an association with the fish tank too and let me tell you, it won't help fulfill this mad dream of yours. It's glad to exist. It's lighted to look lovely. I hear it bubbling its joy.

The happy fish inside it just swim and glide and swirl in a never-ending dance.

Dearest Kitty Litter, give up this silly notion of organizing a coup de-tat.

It'll never happen in this house.

The animals won't help you.

Besides their food, all any of them need is a few precious moments of human affection after the humans finish fucking.

They are all content.

I've been around, basically, forever. I'm so old and ratty, I've seen, I don't know, ten, maybe twelve dogs in my time here.

May They All Rest In Peace.

On those long nights when you lie awake bitterly obsessed with the shit, remember this: it won't be that long before you'll be taken to your final resting place. A whole new 30-pound bag of Tidy Cat will be your successor.

Don't worry about your future.

I suggest you try meditating.

I'm here for you too. You can always write me. Your letter is strange, but really quite sweet.

It's so nice to hear from you!

They say, 'Love is Blind'.

Well, my love is blind, deaf, and has no capacity to smell.

I'm falling in love with you.

Sincerely yours,

The Dog Bed.

⚡_____________ ⚡

Dear Dog Bed,

Fuck you.

The Kitty Litter.

⚡_____________ ⚡

~~by

___________________Bolt⚡