The Secret They Don’t Want to Tell You About Discipline

For most of my life, I’ve repeated the phrase, “I just need to be more disciplined” more times than I could count. As one year ended and another began, and I reflected on the lack of progress towards my goals, I would resolve that in the new year I would finally figure out my relationship to discipline and get myself back on track. And then I did that for five years in a row.

I thought my lack of discipline, my addiction to my comfort zone, and a general sense of weakness were to blame for my inability to consistently push my life forward in the directions I’d dreamed of since I was a kid. However, between 2020 and 2022 I focused almost solely on my mental health, and as I did, a lot became more clear.

The secret is: you don’t need to be more disciplined; you need to heal your nervous system.

There is a place for discipline, and for time spent cultivating the skills and habits required for you to be disciplined and have greater self control. But don’t beat yourself up if you’ve tried again and again and still can’t seem to make discipline stick — perhaps your “inability” to be disciplined was never the problem, maybe you were looking for the solution on the surface, when you can dig a bit deeper and treat this problem at the root.

Your nervous system is what colors your world, and your nervous system is molded by your life experiences. And regardless of how smooth you think your adolescence was, it’s likely there are at least a few experiences that altered how you relate to others and yourself, which happens because your nervous system gets overwhelmed and then builds up defenses to keep you safe from similar threats in the future.

If you also struggle with the phrase “I just need to be more disciplined,” then you likely are keeping your nervous system in a more agitated state because you’re being too hard on yourself when your nervous system really needs a break and for you to show it that you are safe. Most of healing your nervous system is about showing up for and prioritizing yourself, taking care of yourself, and showing your nervous system that you are in a safer place in your life now, and the defenses can come down.

How Do You Heal Your Nervous System?

The things you can do to heal your nervous system are actually really small and simple habits that help you to turn towards yourself in tough moments, to practice intentional self-care, and to learn how to listen to your mind and body to know what exactly you need.

The tricky thing I’ve noticed about doing nervous system healing work is that, at first, it feels like it’s doing nothing until you stop doing them, and it takes time for all of your cumulative actions to really change how you feel on a day-to-day basis. So stick with it, enjoy the process of taking care of yourself, and add one new practice into your routine at a time.

Some Habits to Try:

Focus on getting enough sleep, avoiding screens at night time, and building a wind down routine before trying ANYTHING else. Your body & nervous system heal in your parasympathetic nervous system which is activated when you’re resting & digesting.

• Meditation & Yoga
• Go for Walks
• Spend Time in Nature
• Go outside as soon as you wake up to get some sunlight.
• Stay Hydrated
• Work on Your Self-Talk (i.e. no more “I’m awful, lazy, and undisciplined”)
• Journal and Process Your Emotions (Try Therapy If You Want to/Can)
• Less Scrolling, More Reading
• Learn the differences between your autonomic, sympathetic, & parasympathetic nervous systems, and different nervous system states to identify where you might be most of the time.
• Cold Showers
• Quit drinking coffee for a month, and then reintroduce only after you’ve had a breakfast with protein, carbs & fat.
• Eat more dark chocolate, salmon, leafy vegetables, broccoli, pumpkin seeds, eggs, avocados, almonds & sweet potatoes.
• Eat 3–5x a Day
• Take magnesium supplements.
• And lastly, take it one day at a time! Just focus on the hours ahead of you, and trust that you’re headed in the right direction as you put one foot in front of the other and allow tiny habits to build up into major changes in how you feel and move through the world.

Resources to Learn About Nervous System Healing

Three books have had the greatest impact on my understanding of nervous system healing so far, and they are the following:

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel A. van der Kolk

Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory by Deb Dana

The Somatic Therapy Workbook by Livia Shapiro

I am not a therapist, just someone on their own journey to heal their nervous system, so drop a comment below if you have more tips or resources for nervous system healing!