I'm Not a Writer...

I never fancied myself as a writer. For years people have tried to get me to write, and for a very long time I refused to do it. I hated writing papers for school and would always put off any writing assignment for as long as possible, and then I would write the bare minimum number of pages required. The crazy thing was, I had things I wanted to say. I had this wild imagination with creative ideas for stories, but I didn’t know how to get it out onto paper. Instead of trying, I decided I was too lazy, self conscious, and anxious to write it down and share it with anyone. They would think it was stupid, horrible, and confirm my worst fear, that I was terrible writer and had no place acting like one and should never subject anyone else to my words and thoughts again! I convinced myself that I was doing everyone a favor and saving us all a lot of time by not trying.

Five years ago I started writing. One day I received a phone call with some heartbreaking family news. I spent days crying, thinking about the pain that phone call had brought my family and I. Suddenly, the voices in my head didn’t matter because the only thing that did was, I HAD to write.

That was when I started my first screenplay. For a while I was doing really well! I had written half when my insecurities took hold again and I gave up. It was shit. No one would want to read it. Why bother?

Shortly after that I started taking an acting class and my teacher was an avid believer that all actors are writers too. When he said this, I scoffed. I wasn’t going to fall into that trap! I didn’t want to start writing! Because remember, I’m not good enough, right? So again, why bother?

Eventually, he wore me down and I started to write. It started out small, a one page scene for class here and there turned into writing episodes for a web-series. I was writing! I felt good! I was actually enjoying it! I started all these different projects and I was so proud of myself! Then just as suddenly as I started, I stopped again. Fear and insecurities seemed to have won once more.

On the tail end of 2018, life had thrown some major lessons my way, knocking me straight on my ass. Through those months the only thing I knew was that getting my thoughts out of my head was the only way I would be able to sort through the mess. Years of repressing something I enjoyed came pouring out of me. Suddenly I had a script, my first and only completed script. Finally getting there taught me that writing doesn’t have to be so scary, it just has to be truthful and sincere and who cares about what others think, as long as I write what I want to say.

I would be lying if I said I still wasn’t terrified to share this with you! I’ve been writing this post since last Spring and have made so many drafts it’s ridiculous. But, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let my fears and insecurities rule my life anymore. When I remember and practice that, life teaches me the most beautiful things. I can’t continue to let my fears win. So here I am, sharing myself with you in the form of writing. Facing my fear by putting my words out there for anyone to read, letting you in on what’s going on in my head. It may seem like something small, but to me I’m baring my soul. If you like or dislike what I say, get something out of what I share, or get absolutely nothing from me, that’s okay. I’m not going to worry about the things I can’t control, only what I can. And for me, that’s continuing to tell my story. So if you are here only for this post or for the long run, thank you for being along for the ride and reading the writings of a non-writer!