My trans experience

I grew up in a religious family that taught me that being gay was bad and if I ever came out as gay I would be disowned. So when I thought that I wasn't a guy, which I got assigned for physiological reasons, I found myself feeling pretty angry and confused. Why was I like this? What did I do in another life to deserve this?

As far as I was concerned, this was just something I was going to have to ignore. But as puberty hit and my body started changing, I found myself disgusted with everything that was happening. Before then, I had been a pretty good student, I participated in sports, and didn't have much desire to be in a relationship with anyone. When I told my dad about the issues I was having, he told me to work out because that would build my confidence. I did and although my physique became more desirable, I felt terrible psychologically.

My grades plummeted, I quit sports, and ended up falling in with other people that had less than good intentions for me. I barely graduated. If it wasn't for my sisters motivating me I wouldn't have. Then came the drugs and alcohol I used to suppress the nagging feeling that something was wrong. I even ended up going to prison because I followed a guy I liked into doing things I otherwise wouldn't have participated in.

So, with my life pretty well ruined, I put my head down and worked. I got a girlfriend I didn't love romantically, but her circumstances made me feel that I could give her better. She was my friend, she deserved a better life and I just wanted to die. So the math was simple; just keep on surviving and maybe someday it would all make sense.

When I was 29, I decided I didn't want to make it to 30, but I had a kid and giving up was never an option. So I dug deep down and tried to figure out what it was that was so wrong with my life. Then I remembered what I had been suppressing for all of those years. I was living a lie.

When I was finally able to admit that to myself, I tried exploring it with the support of my partner. I started trying on women's clothes and doing my makeup and I looked awful. I had no idea what I was doing, but it still felt right. Finally, I broke down and told my partner that I couldn't do it because it was going to be too difficult. Life had never come easy and this would just make everyone I knew hate me. She told me if it's who I really was, then I owed it to myself.

So I did it. I came out to everyone in my family, and started presenting feminine 24/7. I didn't want to make it to 30 as a guy, so I wouldn't. My family wasn't supportive other than my baby sister, who invited me to be one of her bridesmaids at her wedding. I was new to presenting femme and now not only was I living openly in a small conservative town, but I was a bridesmaid after previously being a groomsman for a brother-in-law.

I spent three years presenting feminine, in poor shape from all the abuse I had done to my body previously. I was pre-diabetic, I weighed 240 lbs. and had lost a lot of people. The whole experience made me not want to go out in front of anyone. I would get stares from everyone and people didn't want to serve me at restaurants, but I was still happier than I had ever been. After that, I decided to start hormones, which I previously avoided due to being afraid of side effects I had heard about on the internet.

When the doctor approved me, I burst out crying. I thought I was too ugly to even convince a doctor to prescribe the medication. At first, I felt like not much was happening until about nine months in. I had spent the past three years changing my diet, avoiding drugs and alcohol, and generally taking better care of myself. That, plus the hormones had made me into what I would call cute.

At first no one said much, they mostly just tried to avoid me. After nine months, I decided to buy new clothes because nothing had fit me anymore. I had lost close to a hundred pounds and weighed around 165. The ill-fitting women's clothes I wore were replaced by tight clothes that had conformed to the fat redistribution that the hormones had put my body through. That was a weird feeling, like the fat melted under my skin and moved around. I even had boobs, small ones, but I would take what I could get.

After the wardrobe change, the looks I got changed as well. Men opened doors for me, they even stopped to change flat tires for me. A task I would have to take on by myself throughout my whole life. Fewer people stared at me as I went about my daily life and I started to become comfortable enough to start going out by myself. Something that would send me into a panic attack before.

Not everything went well. My new comfort in my body made me want to explore my other issues. Like my attraction to men, something I refused to participate in due to being taught it was wrong and not being comfortable with my body. My partner and I were in an open relationship I never took advantage of, so I thought I would try it out. The experience was eye-opening due to having feelings I thought I would never have. This leads to us breaking up, among other issues I won't go into.

It's been seven years now, and I've been through a lot as a trans woman that I never would have imagined growing up. And although there have been ups and downs, I'm proud of myself for being authentic to myself. I don't want to change, I just wish the world could see us as normal people that have a different experience due to our bodies disagreeing with our minds. In my case, that is, I'm not the spokesperson for the trans community.

After dating multiple guys and finding that they all wanted to be down low, I gave up on the endeavor. Maybe I'll find my other half someday. Dating as a trans woman is difficult. As much as women are oversexualized, adding being a kink doesn't make it any easier. It also doesn't help that I find emotionally unavailable men attractive.

I've also never had any luck with being a friend of another trans woman. They all seem to see each other as competition. I want us all to win. So I guess all I'm trying to say is that coming out as trans was the hardest thing I ever had to do and even though it has resulted in homelessness, I still choose to live true to myself. So as Adam Greenfield from the Gutter Talk podcast would say, "Be good to people, people."