I’m 18 With a Body Count of 10 — None of Them Were Random Hookups

I feel shame, and I’m tired of pretending that I don’t.

I’m 18, and I’ve slept with ten people — to some, that’s a lot, to others, it’s nothing. To me, it’s quite a high number. I feel shameful about it. Not really because of the number, but because of how they happened — how I let some of them happen.

I didn’t just fuck around. None of them were random. Every single person I’ve been with is someone I knew, someone I let in. That makes it so much worse. I didn’t just get off — I connected. Now, I feel haunted by them.

If you told me a few years ago, that I’d feel this way at 18, I wouldn’t have believed you. I was young and saw experiences as extremely valuable. I used to love connecting more than anything. And so I did — carelessly. However, there’s a difference between the connections I made when I was younger, and the ones I’ve made recently. This is what makes me insecure.

When I was younger, say 15-16, I built genuine connections. I slept with them because I wanted it more than anything at that time. It was not due to expectations or pressure, I just really fucking wanted to. However, as I’ve gotten older, expectations have grown consuming. Strange how 16 year old me was able to reject, but 18 year old me can’t.

I have developed a bad habit of “sticking it out”, because it’s better to avoid any possible conflicts. Sadly, I’ve also never been good at saying no. But my younger self might have lacked some empathy, because I could easily go ghost on people that I felt pressured by. Now, my discomfort with letting others down, goes beyond my wish to be left alone. This has led me in situations where the line between consent and non-consent has been blurred.

Usually it would play out like this; I’ve been curious about a person, getting to know them, liking them a bit, maybe starting to build a connection. Then they show sexual interest, and I don’t completely reject it, because I’m still figuring out if I’m interested myself. Then it comes, a move is being made, the expectations feels consuming, and now I have an inner dilemma (that might be very irrational in a lot of situations). Do I stick it out, and hope the connection holds — or do I let them down, ask for more time, and risk them falling away?

People hate rejection. I am scared to lose connections I see potential in — and then spiral in what ifs. I am also scared of conflict. So what do I do? I stick it out. I let them. I try my best to enjoy it. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do. But sometimes it leaves me crying in the bathroom because I feel dirty.

I’m not blaming this on them. It’s not their fault that I am not able to stick up for myself. But I do wish people would be a bit more careful and aware, and make sure that I am fully consenting to it — and more importantly, reassure that it’s not a problem if I’m not. That’s something we should all be better at.

This is hard to admit. It’s hard to write. I’ve never spoken up about it before. I’ve always been very supportive of people exploring their sexuality and preferences. When other people have higher body counts, I’ll be the first to say that it doesn’t matter, as long as they had fun and it was consensual. But maybe that’s exactly why I’m ashamed of mine. It’s not always been fun, it’s not always been fully consensual. I just folded to pressure.

What I’m even more ashamed of is that with some, I’ve also folded to this terrible pressure to keep things moving forward. I let it happen once, so they’ll now be more dissapointed if I don’t do it again. Maybe they’ll even think they were bad, and feel sad or insecure. This is obviously not realistic, this is not something you should think of. But I can’t help but think about it, and the empathy often weighs heavier than my sneaking feeling of shame and dirtyness.

Maybe at some point I stopped thinking I was worthy of wanting. Deserving of feeling intense desire. Or maybe I can’t connect on a deeper level anymore? I’ve learnt to keep things balanced — not love, not meaningless. Maybe I can’t feel anything intense anymore, as I’ve gotten so used to the middle ground?

So yeah, I do feel dirty. I don’t know how else to put it. I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to feel empowered. But these pressure-built connections are not empowering. They are not freeing. They are confusing and painful, and leaves me stuck with regret that I can’t shake off. I wasn’t forced. I wasn’t made to do it. If you asked any of them, they’d say I fully consented. Still they haunt me. I feel like parts of my soul has been tainted.

The shame is so ingrained, so deep inside me that I can’t even tell if I’m angry at them or if I’m just angry at myself. Angry that I let myself be this version of me. Angry that I didn’t protect myself better, that I didn’t listen to the voice inside me telling me to stop.

And here I am now, at 18, with a body count I can’t ignore, feeling like I’ve already given away too much. Like I’m too dirty. I don’t need advice, I just needed to rant i out. If you have similar thoughts, I’m sorry. You’re allowed to hurt over “yeses” that felt like “maybes.” I hope you’re okay. Thank you so much for reading this mess ❤

Originally published on Medium;