The Pompous Post
Bio
Welcome to The Pompous Post.... We specialize in weaponized wit, tactful tastelessness, and unapologetic satire! Think of us as a rogue media outlet powered by caffeine, absurdism, and the relentless pursuit to make sense from nonsense.
Stories (58)
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Human Bodies: A Squishy Design Flaw Waiting to Happen
Good evening, fellow meatbags! Have you ever stubbed your toe so hard that you suddenly believed in alternate dimensions? Or smashed your shin on a coffee table and wondered if bones can actually scream? Congratulations! You’ve just experienced the tragic comedy of human design.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Bad Drivers: A Field Guide to Vehicular Villainy
🚦 Exhibit A: Roundabouts – The Bermuda Triangle of Traffic The instant certain drivers approach a roundabout, their brains reboot. All sense of direction and purpose evaporates, replaced by pure panic. It’s like watching a flock of birds get flash-banged by a solar flare:
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Alarm Clocks Are Gaslighting Me...
Good morning, dear readers! Or should I say “bad morning,” because if you’re reading this, you probably woke up to the soul-piercing shriek of your alarm clock. You know the one. The device you trusted to gently usher you into consciousness, but instead ambushes you like a SWAT team breaking down your door at 6:00 a.m.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Minimalism Ruined My Life (But at Least I Have One Chair)
Greetings from the echoing cathedral that is my living room, where the acoustics are immaculate because there is nothing in here except me, a succulent named Trevor, and the one chair I kept “for guests.” I am living proof that you can declutter your way straight into a spiritual crisis and still have to stand while eating cereal. Minimalism promised me serenity. It delivered shin splints from all the standing. Behold my cautionary tale...
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Loyalty Cards, Punch Cards, and Other Ways I’ve Sold My Soul for a Free Smoothie...
Dear Consumer of Questionable Judgment and Excellent Taste... At some point in modern history, we collectively decided that our eternal devotion could be purchased for the low, low price of one free coffee after ten visits. And like moths to a punch-card-shaped flame, we said, “Yes. Take my loyalty. Take my email. Take my identity. I want that medium iced latte with oat milk and the crushing weight of consumer debt.”
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Cold Pizza, Hot Opinions: A Field Guide to Foods That Slap (or Betray) the Next Day
Greetings, fellow fridge-raiders! 🍕🥡 At some point, we all stand in front of our refrigerator in the dim light of 2:14 a.m., staring at a Tupperware container like it’s a treasure chest of questionable decisions. Inside could be divine second-day magic… or culinary treason that smells like regret and broken dreams.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
BREAKING NEWS: Aliens Land on Earth, Discover Reality TV and Top 40 Music, Immediately Leave Forever
🚨 THIS JUST IN: At approximately 2:43 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, a gleaming alien mothership entered Earth’s atmosphere with peaceful intent, a message of hope, and several thousand years of interstellar wisdom. But by 2:58 p.m., it had already left... Why you ask?
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
BREAKING NEWS: Florida Man Declares Independence from HOA, Crowns Himself Emperor of His Cul-De-Sac
Palm Breeze Estates, FL — A sleepy suburban neighborhood erupted into chaos Tuesday, after local resident Steve “Don’t Tread on My Lawn” Harkins declared independence from the Palm Breeze Homeowners Association and crowned himself Emperor of the Cul-de-Sac.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
THE UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING (AND SO ARE YOUR PANTS)
WHEN THE COSMOS MEETS CARBS Scientists tell us the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate, fueled by mysterious forces like dark energy. And honestly? I would have to agree... Except in my case, the mysterious force is extra queso and that ill-advised third chimichanga. Cosmic inflation, they call it. Cute. Meanwhile, my jeans are experiencing catastrophic waistband failure, and astronomers aren’t writing papers about that. Forget black holes; the real singularity is your belly button after you polish off a family-size nacho platter “because it was on special.”
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
The Global Crisis of Unmatched Tupperware Lids
Chapter 1: The Drawer of Shame It starts innocently enough. A single Rubbermaid set. Maybe two, because hey, meal prep is in vogue and you have aspirations. But fast forward three years and your kitchen drawer is no longer a drawer... it’s The Bermuda Triangle of Domesticity. You open it, praying to find a matching set, only to be greeted by the mocking laughter of 43 lids and a lone, lidless bowl that looks at you like a Dickensian orphan: “Please sir… may I store some soup?”
By The Pompous Post7 months ago in Humor
