Anti-Valentine

Why does Valentine’s Day hurt so much?

I’ve personally never celebrated this holiday, or any other holiday, and yet. I can feel it’s heavy weight like a backpack made of bricks.

I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Opening up my Tik Tok, my FYP is BOMBARDED by videos of other single people making jokes of their loneliness or venting out their frustrations.

This is our coping mechanism. This hopefulness that someone else relates to our situation. This idea that if we talk or laugh about our mutual understanding, we will get better.

But what if these “frustrations” are one sided?

Being single is like being between a rock and a hard place. In one hand, I know what I like, what I want, what my life goals are and what actions I must take to achieve them. I know who I am to an extent, and I’m constantly seeking opportunities to help me grow. I am blessed to work with a great team. I am financially stable.

I am perfectly happy on my own.

On the other hand, the month of February distracts and derails me. It subtly forces me to reflect on my past experiences with “love” and grapple with the lack of said experiences within my present day.

The past relationships I have had forced me to realize that romantic love is not always rose colored. Sometimes it’s a kaleidoscope. Shattered. Broken. But beautiful on the surface. A façade. It was not the future I had envisioned for myself. It was not what I wanted out of life.

Maybe it was me? As a little 19 year old, I was beginning to experience the start of my young adult life. And yet, there I was, bending over backwards for a (much older) man who was never supportive of me or my life goals. After a very humiliating argument, I finally woman’ed up and cut him out. Despite being one of the hardest, most painful choices I had to make on my own, I felt immensely proud of myself for it. I learned that to get by on your own is a great accomplishment.

My next two relationships were no exceptions. Once again, I had to learn another lesson on my own. No man is worth putting my ambition on a shelf for “love”. I vowed to never put myself through romantic discomfort again.

I decided to stay single.

I don’t regret my choice at all. Being single has saved me more than a fair share of heart aches.

However, from time to time, my mind wanders and I can’t help but think

what if…?

Like many singles on the Tik Tok app, I too make jokes to cope when I am overwhelmed by the feelings of being alone. This isn’t an often occurrence, but there are days when a happy couple will walk past me holding hands, or someone I know and love will make me feel slightly jealous of what they have with the “special” person in their life. I’m left with this guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach and the knowingly upsetting question of:

why not me?

Then I feel bad. I quickly jump into manic episodes where I am buried in my thoughts or have fallen too deep in my self doubt that I persuade myself something is wrong with me. Suddenly, my favorite quirks become my worst qualities. My confidence becomes egotism. My creativity becomes annoyance. My optimism becomes pessimism. I forget what it means to “be yourself” when I’m in a sporadic display of sadness/self pity.

I’m a mirror pointing out my imperfections. I make excuses as to why I’m not dateable. I convince myself that I’m unlovable.

I AM THE PROBLEM!

The worst part? I forget why I decided to stay single in the first place. I forget to stop and appreciate the love that I have around me.

That’s why Valentine’s Day, or February in general, hurts so much. It’s a consistent reminder you don’t have someone to share any “special” time with. The red and the pink are the commercial symbolism of the love you are potentially missing out on.

But that’s ok. Like everything in life, this will eventually pass.

After February, March reminds you of the NBA tickets you can’t afford, April reminds you of how close we are to the middle of the year, and May reminds you of all the winter sales you missed out on. Seasons will come and go.

Feelings will come and go.

But the one thing that will always stay are the decisions which shaped who we are, and who we will become; even if sometimes these include a rough February.

There is so much happiness in being single!

As long we remember to stop and appreciate the love that surrounds us, and to show the same love to the people and passions that are of most importance.

Image reference:<ahref="https://create.vista.com/unlimited/stock-photos/177717012/stock-photo-pink-heart/">Photo Close-up view of man giving girl heart card on pink and blue background created by VitalikRadko</a>