The Shift

You might have thought this part is going to get better, its not. Such a low time, when I couldnt accept any of my blessings, bad thoughts were consuming me, they had holld of me. There was no hope. Honestly, if you asked me I could even see past the day nevermind tomorrow, I would deal with it tomorrow. That was the mindset. Terrible. Drowning.

I was in Barcelona when all of this was going all isolating myself. I didnt understand who I was also which didn’t help the situation. I picked a career when I was so young and realised that maybe that wasn’t what I wanted to do. Great conversation with the parents, how could I tell them that it didnt fulfil me in anyway shape or form? My identity was based on this thing that I chose when I didn't even know myself.

I was always put into a box. I learned the box, I was the box. I never went out of line, I was the "good girl" so to speak. I was made out to be the strong one out of me and my sister. I was strong but only because I had to be.

I was raised in a abusive family, with abusive parents. All of their arguments were somehow mine. Helping my mum but at the same time trying to calm my dad down. I was nine. I learned very quickly how to act, talk, walk, run, sit in a manner that was almost perfect. Never did I know I had closed myself in the box.

So as you can tell as I got older it was just constant stress. I was depleted. My mind, body and soul was completely detached from each and suffering. I had no time for any part of me. No time to go back and help that little girl, no time to care for this older one. I was lost. I needed a release. So I ran.

The start of how I just ran to and from everyone. I will write about that in another post because thats a crazy story to say the least. I went places and did stuff that weren't me. I didn't want to be anywhere I was but anywhere was somewhere other than myself.

Thats until I stopped. I just stopped. No more fixing, no more blaming, picking myself apart, distracting, leaving, running. I stopped. It hurt a lot. I wont lie to you, stopping was the most pain I felt but also the most freeing feeling. It's my life. My time-line. My pace. Nobody would ever take that away from me. For the first time I stood my ground.

How can you find yourself when all you do is run-away from it? Boom the question that hit me like a ton of bricks. I took myself fully and I mean fully away. I went layer by layer, understanding how I came into this mess. What choices dragged me here. What is my responsibility in all this. With each question everything started to shift. My reality was clearer it was like I was wearing blurry glasses for so long I didnt bother to open my eyes. I could see, hear and speak.

It was like my mind, body and soul never had a chance to breathe before. I was learning so much, it was quite magical. No one could tell me any of their opinions. I was finding me again. The girl they took from me. Silence was my opportunity to hear her cries, there was the possibility of finding her. I could hear.