The Dangers of Healing Through Your 9–5

I have a NEW girl on my team, and we immediately connected and She seems like a kind person. On the second day of us talking, she mentioned her daughter. Excitedly, I asked how old the baby was. SHE told me she had a stillborn birth and asked if I was comfortable seeing the BABY pictures.

I told her I didn’t mind.

She shared the entire story with me.

I gave her the best advice I could, but I kept it light because we were at work and I didn’t want to speak out of turn. From the moment she started talking, I could tell she wasn’t healed. She’s functioning as if she is, but the sadness in her voice and the look on her face told a different story. She’s barely holding it together.

Later, while working remotely, I overheard from the zoom meeting, her telling the same story to a teammate. He’s a Husband and wants kids with his wife and mentioned it to her. I remember thinking, wow, she shouldn’t be trauma dumping every chance she gets at work.

But then I remembered where my mind was when my son’s father passed away.

Losing him was devastating.

But the hardest part was watching my son lose his best friend and knowing I couldn’t fix it. I remember sitting in my mom’s living room that night, crying silently, thinking about how hard life was going to be for my son. I thought to myself, I must live forever. I cannot leave my son without parents.

After using my bereavement days and PTO, I had to go back to work. I talked to anyone who would listen. I explained why I wasn’t my usual jovial self. I told people how hard life had become. I didn’t realize it then, but now I understand I was looking for someone to tell me it was going to be OKAY. I wanted reassurance. I wanted someone to say the right words and make it better.

The problem was, I was looking for healing from everyday people and not professionals.

I still had to survive and Provide!!

My son’s father could no longer help financially, so there was no PAUSE button for grief. I didn’t give myself time to truly process what happened & just did what needed to be DONE. Looking back, I don’t even know how I survived that first year. I don’t know how I turned off the grief switch and kept moving.

We don’t always have the luxury of space to heal. Sometimes we still must work, show UP and function in our PAIN without losing our minds.

I don’t know this young lady’s full story, but I can see that she’s trying to survive. She needs to vent. She needs to release what she’s carrying. She can’t pretend everything is okay. She may be bleeding on others, hoping someone has the right words to stop the pain.

I had to learn that God and therapy were my outlets.

I couldn’t TALK myself into healing.

Grief doesn’t work like that, and it has layers and you experience them each day, month, or year at a TIME.

I’m in a better place now.

I rarely bring up my son’s father unless someone asks. I’ve cried, vented, and trauma dumped to regular people and therapists. I’ve dealt with guilt & I’ve learned to focus on the present and be the best mother I can be.

Grief is part of your story, but it doesn’t have to become your IDENTITY.

I know this young woman has a long journey ahead. I can’t pretend to know how she feels or how long it will take her. I just hope that one day she reaches a place of normalcy and a place where the pain isn’t the loudest thing in the room.