The Realisation

Sometimes you just realise things from a distance even if you don’t want to …

And I came to this realisation :

You never wanted me to- I don’t think that you even liked me for real … you just liked the attention and how I made you feel - and yes there was some kind of an connection but only because on text message - which was honest but now I know a bit to harsh you decided to cut me completely out of your life .. at first I was crying when I realised you blocked me because I didn’t meant it in a petty way but just honest about or situation - not because I was petty ..

but not even to get the chance to set things right or explain myself - and blocking me even on Instagram ?? Even though I just kept following you there and not spamming or stalking you .. that‘s a bit much .. and it showed me that I wasn’t completely wrong I guess . And for you this connection really wasn’t that important and you just can’t handle honest communication .. with my text message I didn’t wanted to picture you as a villain or crazy person - I just wanted to say that at some parts you did hurt me .. and of course we had a talk a few days before and you wanted to say friends and not hurt me anymore — and maybe for you the talk was done but for me I guess at some points it wasn’t ..

And of course I will keep my distance because there is no way i can reach you now - and if there would be one I still wouldn’t do anything ..

You most likely picture me now as the villain in your story or the crazy girl who got your heart broken by you - even when we weren’t officially together … and not much friends of yours knew that I even existed .. you kept me hidden like a secret and the sad thing is we don’t habe even one picture together .. I just have some of you that you sented me or that I took when you were sleeping ..

But you were the one who suggested to stay friends after 9 moths of doing anything else that friends don’t do .. I should have called you out for things more that i felt but didn’t said anything .. because I also just wanted in the beginning to have fun and nothing serious .. and I thought we also could be friends because I didn’t want to lose you in my life and keep you in it .

But with one text of me I achieved the thing that I wanted to dodge the most .

You found me when I wasn’t looking for someone and you left me when I need you the most …

Thank you for all the craziness we had and giving me the spark and you back that I hid in my long term relationship - because the timing was also off -me just being three weeks single . But than you should not have acted like you did last autumn - when I thought you started to care about me more .. and I didn’t asked anything around time because I was insecure and thought you were still hung up on this girl you had a brief interaction when you were on vacation for a week- who lives on a whole different continent … and now has a boyfriend ..

and when you told me that maybe some part of you acted different was just to get over her .. that really broke something in me ..

So if at some point my silence will kill you - which I hope it does .. and if at some point you will reach out again , I will wait for an apology from you also - because I am not the only one who needs to apologise .. because you could have handled the situation better than just blocking me . Like telling me it did hurt you and that you want some distance - which would be totally fine . Only after that I am also gonna apologies for this honest text message that I wrote ..

And yes I could forgive you but not because I want things like there were before -just like a paper that got crumbled it will never be flat again . Or if you are willing to rekindle and just to ignore the chapter that we wrote with insecurities and miscommunication and write a whole new one - lets do this !

But the warmth you got from me so easy will not be there anymore - I will be respectful, kind , fun , but my light for you disappeared and you are the moon in a lunar eclipse .

Because at this point right now the door is still a tiny bit open … but later on it’s gonna be closed and you will not able to find the keys …