On the “right time”

I used to believe the “right time” was when I was fully prepared, when I was well organized, had a proper plan, and knew exactly how to execute it.

That was my definition of “right time.” Having that feeling of, yeah it seems about right.

While waiting for this “right time,” I went from a 19-year-old girl to a woman in her late twenties. Years passed, with me waiting for a time that seemed to arrive, yet never quite did.

One might ask, “right time” for what?

To start doing things that I want to do, it could be anything and everything my heart desired, be it be a minor hobbies or work that can make an earning.

One could have easily started doing what their heart desires, but for me- perfectionism killed the enthusiasm. Self doubt killed the execution. And without execution, things remained just as a dream, an imagination- far away from reality, locked in somewhere deep within me.

Now, the definition of “right time” has changed with the seasons of my life.

If I had started back then, I might have become someone misaligned with who I am today.

Surely, I would have gained experience, learnt more ways of failing before succeeding. It wouldn’t have been a loss either.

I was young, naive, inexperienced- still exploring.

I might have boxed myself into a niche that didn’t resonate with me in the long run, or trapped myself in goals shaped by name, fame, and money.

And wanting a certain way of living was never wrong. But knowing who I truly am now, I have to ask: Would that version of success have brought me peace of mind?

Would it have allowed me to live authentically?

So perhaps it truly wasn’t the “right time” back then.

Life has been happening.

I moved from exploring to becoming.

So is it the “right time” now?

After sitting with myself in silence, after learning to accept life and surrender to time, after becoming a little wiser than my younger self, after learning to listen to my inner monologue and regulate my nervous system through trials and tribulations, I can now say: yes, this is the “right time”.

The “right time” for me has become this: whether I am capable of standing true to myself, being as authentic outwardly as I am inwardly, without arrogance toward others and with enough confidence to exist in my own beliefs.

My naivety once brought heaps of enthusiasm, trying everything, sticking to nothing. This scattered attention, this lack of discipline and devotion, made me question my worth:

Am I lazy?

Why can’t I devote myself to a craft?

What do I want from life?

Why does it feel like time is passing and I am standing still?

Planner after planner, filled with carefully sorted ideas, yet execution felt impossibly far away.

Am I broken?

Am I meant to wander through life like a ghost, no purpose, no direction?

Yet here I am now, doing things I want for myself, by myself.

Not out of obligation, but from a standard I hold for my own life.

So perhaps finding devotion towards life itself, instead of living by obligation, is what has finally made this the “right time.” Understanding to live consciously, authentically and staying true to oneself- is what I want my life to be like.

What didn’t happen before now feels like a divine intervention, literally stopping me up until the “right time” when- I have that capability in hand to handle the life I desired without losing myself in return.

And now feels like the “right time” cause what’s within me is so without.